SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES I get distant and SOMETIMES it's from the ones who mean the most to me, the ones who are right in front of me and close enough to reach out and touch. I don't mean to give that impression off, but I get scared SOMETIMES. I know I need to get better at not doing all of that, I know I need to get better at letting people all of the way in instead of fighting them off. However the truth is, when I love, I love. I mean I really love and I give it my all, I give everything I have in my power to make sure that the one I'm in love with and those that I love are happy and content. I don't treat the phrase "I Love You", as just something to say. I mean it, all of it, but SOMETIMES, I need to be reassured. Doesn't everybody? If you read this, I hope I'm making you proud, I hope I'm making you happy like you make me happy, I hope you love me the way that I love you. I know SOMETIMES it isn't easy and shit will happen, but that should never stop us from being there for each other or loving one another. I know SOMETIMES I can be difficult and emotional, but that's who I am, it's because I care. I know SOMETIMES I say sorry too much and I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because I just want to make sure you understand that I'm trying. SOMETIMES I let my thoughts and fears drive me so I can be prepared, but I don't want to do that anymore, I can't do that anymore. I know this won't be easy, but life isn't easy. I want to live and I want to feel alive, and I want to experience that without doubting myself and what I have. SOMETIMES I forget I have you, but I'm going to quit with the SOMETIMES, and realize I have you ALL OF THE TIME.

Controlling The Forgetting & Remembering.

To forget and remember aren't feelings, they're actions and they speak a hell of a lot louder than the words we preach. We forget in order to make excuses; excuses to let us hold on to what we need or want a little bit longer. Those times we "forget" and those excuses we make set us back severely. Face it, we can't ever get enough of it all because that means someones always going to be there to hold our hand a little bit longer, but then something strange happens; we suddenly remember what we're supposed to be doing for ourselves and we realize who we've hurt along the way. We make up some epic speech about how sorry we are and how much we love those that we started to drag down with us. We remember how shitty it made us look, but then we start it all over again because we're afraid of the guilt and what it does to our insides. We never like to admit when we're wrong, especially to the ones who care about us the most. We all have our own life, so why do we have to let somebody else dictate that? Why do we forget that we need to do things for ourselves? Why can't we remember the simple fact that it's okay to make mistakes, learn from them, admit when we're wrong, and move on? We never actually grow up because we're in a vicious cycle of not ever making up our own damn mind. Sometimes we forget to say I love you, or how much we appreciate one another for what they provide for us. When it comes to those things, it's not okay. It's not okay to forget to be appreciative and less selfish. It's not okay to forget that hurting someone isn't a feeling, it's a literal action we take because we know that when it really comes down to it all, that person was right all along and we didn't listen. We ALWAYS take the easy way out. We forget, we forget to remember why the hell we have feelings. We forget to remember that we have to live our own life, whether it be good or bad. We forget to remember that it's okay to have those close to us be there for us, but to not drag them down and use them constantly because they've learned the process of living an actual life. It's all about control, and when it comes down to it, to forget and remember; we have complete control over those actions, over our life. We have control over these two very aggressive and meaningful actions because it's apart of who we are, how we choose to live, and how we treat others. It's all in our hands and our hands only. Don't forget about control, and remember to live that control out.

Unsure

Sometimes it all plays back and forth in my head. Like a silent film, but with everything already said. I'll never know why it happened the way it did and I'll never know why you didn't fight for me the way you were supposed to. It happened so long ago, but that left me with 13 years to over analyze questions that probably don't even make much sense. About a week ago I had the nerve to stand up for myself and put you in your place, but that didn't work. It back fired. Now you're further away from me without a care in the world. I look at it now, from the stand point of how it's impossible to have my own children. I could NEVER give up on a child, especially my own flesh and blood. I could NEVER stop loving them, NEVER stop thinking about how they are or what they are up to. I could NEVER start a new life without knowing if they are happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. What you did, what you said, and how you perceived things to be, it all hurt. You left and once you did, you should have stayed gone, long gone. To be honest I blamed myself for a long time, but finally I'm realizing it was all you. This entire time, it was you. I stood up to you, while you just left like the coward you are. The only problem, is that I don't know how to feel which makes my heart hurt. It puts that lump in my throat, the one where it makes it impossible to even muster out, an I'm okay. Funny thing is I know I have so many people on my side, but I feel alone. All I want to do lately is hide away and sort everything out so I can find that clarity and stop living my life so confused.

Shake.

Shake this off, all of it. Before it gets too tough, before it starts thickening and tightening around your neck. Shake it all off. How can you go on knowing what you did, knowing that you left? Nobody said you had to stay, but it would've been the right thing to do. I still can't shake this like you did; the hurt, the guilt, the lies. Did you even feel any of that with all of the fake smiles and laughs you gave out? Did you even feel that when you gave me false hope with the pathetic memories that I COULDN'T even remember? I thought this would get easier, I thought that I would've grown from this, but to be honest I feel so small, and I hurt everyday just because I know that I'm somehow replaced by others. Others that were once innocent without a care in the world like me, replaced by others that had no clue what abandonment was or is. You stayed for them and you fight for them, but why, just why the hell couldn't you fight for me? Why, just why couldn't you stick your guns in the air during that battle? Why, just why couldn't you just keep reloading? Why did you shake this all off? Why did you shake me away? I'll never know these things, but I found the key to my hurt. Too bad it's locked in and the key won't turn all of the way.

Who We Have & What We Give.

God created us to be loved and to love in return. There is nothing selfish about love, nothing conceited, nothing torturous about it. It drains us of everything we have, but in the best way possible, it brings the light back, and stops the heaviness that weighs our hearts down. Love isn’t a bet you can place, isn’t something you can just burry alive, it’s something you want to dig up, something you need so you don’t fall into that grave you will once know later on. Love is not a cold dead thing, it’s one cell that will continuously multiply. You try stopping that, you’re just stopping yourself. You push and you push that one person you really care for to get to the bottom of their hurt, for them to shake it off. Truth is, I’d be that punching bag, I’d take the beatings for you because you need to know that I’m not hanging by nothing, I’m hanging on to you. I hold on for dear life, even when it all gets blurry, even when I can’t focus and want to let go, I keep holding on to that one strand of you. If it was possible to sync your pain into my system, into my body, I’d make it happen. I’d suck the cells out of you that are eating you alive, I’d take them upon myself because somehow I have in my mindset that I deserve it all, and by all I mean the pain that circulates my body, that throbs into my head, and tugs on my heart. I'd love you even if we are miles apart. You keep me alive.

And Here We Go.

And here we go making fools out of one another, with the stories we told, with lies we spoke, with the feelings we felt, and with the cards we dealt. Why do we hold the those grudges, the ones that lead us deep into the dark parts of the woods, the ones that make us fear we're losing ourselves along with the heart that we hold dear in our hands. What are we so afraid of? What are we mastering? What are we exaggerating? Do we do this to each other because the makeups are more heartfelt than any conversation we've ever held or is it because we are to shocked in disbelief to actually fess up to our wrong doings? Every single one of your apologies is a needle wedged into my skin deeper and deeper, and eventually I become numb to them and forget what it means. And here we go making cowards out of one another, using each other for the wrong, fighting until the end, but loving only in the cold and lonely night. Why do we hurt each other the way that we do? Why do we force things upon one another when we are already so exhausted and overcome with fear? Is it because we want to face it head on and just get it over with or is it because we don't want to retrace our steps and take the time to fix that one small crime? And here we go fighting that fight, the one with endless possibilities, loving one another no matter what. Do we take what we can get or do we take what we deserve and forget the uncalled for fits of distress? I'll tell you one thing, this isn't a game, it's how you hold on and how you love that makes you tame. 

Cassadee Pope, From The Bottom Of My Heart.... Thank You!

This is just how I feel personally about her, whether you disagree or not, well that's your problem. She truly does inspire me to do my best and before surgery she talked to me about it and the fact that she wants to help spread awareness on this disease I have and that many women are affected by means the world to me. She gets me, not just as a supporter, but as a friend. When it comes to winning The Voice she's already won, but I know for a fact she will win on Tuesday night. She deserves this more than anyone and I'm honestly getting teary eyed right now as I type this sucker out on my phone. She's graced us with her, presence, voice, lyrics, story, but most of all her support and encouragement she gives to others. She makes me strive to be to be a better person, she makes me strive to go after my dreams and set realistic goals that are achievable. Cass it's because of you that so many of us want to be a better person, it's because of you that we all want to go after our dreams. I know all of you cassettes believe this and get this too. Reblog this if you believe in our light in the dark, Cassadee Pope. Pope Gives Us Hope, and that will NEVER change. A personal thank you to her for helping me through my crap time and for the advice she gives. She never fails to amaze me. She's going so far in life and is doing such amazing things already, and I can't wait until they crown her winner on Tuesday, even though in my heart she's already won, not just The Voice, but she's won me over.