Anberlin.

To be honest in 2010 when I was going through all of my health issues, including: my knee surgeries, trying to diagnose what was later to be endometriosis, and dealing with my depression and anxiety, I found an outlook. Writing helped me so much, but so did music. Especially Anberlin. I was 3000 miles away from my beautiful family, my health problems were getting out of control, and this made my depression and anxiety worse. Their music helped me out of a really dark place. I used to cut, and listening to more of their music helped apart me realize that I needed to stop. I would give anything to meet them or see them live. I just wish I could thank them for helping me and for them to continue to help me through my rough patches. I've never been so grateful for a band like I am for Anberlin. I hope they can see this one day and know they've helped save apart of me. "You caught me on the way down."

Making Some Sense.

We go on trying to make sense, of what doesn't make sense, and when we finally take a step back and look at it all, we get frustrated, angry, depressed, and confused. We aren't supposed to understand it all, but we are expected to learn from it. By saying all, I mean life; the life we got and the way we choose to live it. Happiness may be choice, but the obstacles and illusions we're faced with, those aren't what we choose to be apart of our life. Those obstacles and illusions aren't hand picked just so we can feel gloomy all of the time. Shit happens and sometimes those breakdowns we have are necessary to make leaps and bounds over the so called walls blocking us from getting us to where we need to be. One obstacle I'm learning to overcome and see from a better and clearer perspective is love, and who I'm choosing to love. In all honesty, the majority of the ones I love so much are thousands of miles away. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it still hurts to be so far away from them. On an emotional level loving those people is an amazing and a beautiful feeling, but physically it's draining the energy from my body because the missing has gotten so out of hand. This brings me to wants and needs. The wants and needs we have are like coins we throw in a fountain. Our wants are the coins we decide to throw into that fountain and wish upon, and our needs are the coins we leave behind in our pockets and save for later hoping we get a chance to make everything right. Either this will all make sense, or it won't at all. It's how we choose to perceive things, how we choose to feel, and act upon every single obstacle and illusion. So let me ask you this. Are you getting to choose the amount of control you have over YOUR actions, over YOUR LIFE, and over YOUR feelings? Think about it, but don't think too long because that will just be another situation that doesn't make sense.

When Death Strikes

When death strikes, it strikes hard, but it leaves us numb for a certain period of time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was mistaken. Time just makes our wounds tolerable. Isn't it all about time though? Death reminds us about what exactly we've been doing with our life, death reminds us that there is often not enough time, and death reminds us that we are rushing everything or that we're in a hurry to finish first. When death strikes, we are unaware and it's all unexpected. How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means saying goodbye? How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means never hearing the voice or seeing the face of the one who has impacted with a strong force? When death strikes, everything we ever had becomes nothing but a memory and we start thinking about the probability VS possibility situations. We start over exaggerating what could've been and we beat ourselves up for it. We start becoming hermits for a short term and everything we see, reminds us of what death took from us. When death strikes, we treat it as if it were a person and throw punches at the ones who are only trying to help. We start kicking and screaming because when we least expect the numbness to wear off, we feel the hard blow and we can barely speak. We start the grieving process all over again, but this time it's feels real. We start looking at it all, as a reality and not a dream. When death strikes, we start wishing we had amnesia and we start permanently forgetting. We don't even think twice about it, but for some reason we wish we could forget it, forget the person we loved and just pretend it never happened. We want to forget that their mere existence even existed. When death strikes, we lash out and start questioning "faith" and we start doubting that higher being that we call our God. We become completely ill with everything that involves the word God and the phrase "They're in a better place." Again it's something we say so we can forget that maybe they aren't even in "That better place", because for all we know, it doesn't exist. For all that we know, in the back of our minds, we know it doesn't exist. When death strikes, it strikes hard, and that numbness that we feel is only temporary. Death is an everyday thing, and unfortunately the hurt that we feel in our hearts lasts forever. It's just taking it day by day and letting time, take it's time.

SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES I get distant and SOMETIMES it's from the ones who mean the most to me, the ones who are right in front of me and close enough to reach out and touch. I don't mean to give that impression off, but I get scared SOMETIMES. I know I need to get better at not doing all of that, I know I need to get better at letting people all of the way in instead of fighting them off. However the truth is, when I love, I love. I mean I really love and I give it my all, I give everything I have in my power to make sure that the one I'm in love with and those that I love are happy and content. I don't treat the phrase "I Love You", as just something to say. I mean it, all of it, but SOMETIMES, I need to be reassured. Doesn't everybody? If you read this, I hope I'm making you proud, I hope I'm making you happy like you make me happy, I hope you love me the way that I love you. I know SOMETIMES it isn't easy and shit will happen, but that should never stop us from being there for each other or loving one another. I know SOMETIMES I can be difficult and emotional, but that's who I am, it's because I care. I know SOMETIMES I say sorry too much and I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because I just want to make sure you understand that I'm trying. SOMETIMES I let my thoughts and fears drive me so I can be prepared, but I don't want to do that anymore, I can't do that anymore. I know this won't be easy, but life isn't easy. I want to live and I want to feel alive, and I want to experience that without doubting myself and what I have. SOMETIMES I forget I have you, but I'm going to quit with the SOMETIMES, and realize I have you ALL OF THE TIME.

Controlling The Forgetting & Remembering.

To forget and remember aren't feelings, they're actions and they speak a hell of a lot louder than the words we preach. We forget in order to make excuses; excuses to let us hold on to what we need or want a little bit longer. Those times we "forget" and those excuses we make set us back severely. Face it, we can't ever get enough of it all because that means someones always going to be there to hold our hand a little bit longer, but then something strange happens; we suddenly remember what we're supposed to be doing for ourselves and we realize who we've hurt along the way. We make up some epic speech about how sorry we are and how much we love those that we started to drag down with us. We remember how shitty it made us look, but then we start it all over again because we're afraid of the guilt and what it does to our insides. We never like to admit when we're wrong, especially to the ones who care about us the most. We all have our own life, so why do we have to let somebody else dictate that? Why do we forget that we need to do things for ourselves? Why can't we remember the simple fact that it's okay to make mistakes, learn from them, admit when we're wrong, and move on? We never actually grow up because we're in a vicious cycle of not ever making up our own damn mind. Sometimes we forget to say I love you, or how much we appreciate one another for what they provide for us. When it comes to those things, it's not okay. It's not okay to forget to be appreciative and less selfish. It's not okay to forget that hurting someone isn't a feeling, it's a literal action we take because we know that when it really comes down to it all, that person was right all along and we didn't listen. We ALWAYS take the easy way out. We forget, we forget to remember why the hell we have feelings. We forget to remember that we have to live our own life, whether it be good or bad. We forget to remember that it's okay to have those close to us be there for us, but to not drag them down and use them constantly because they've learned the process of living an actual life. It's all about control, and when it comes down to it, to forget and remember; we have complete control over those actions, over our life. We have control over these two very aggressive and meaningful actions because it's apart of who we are, how we choose to live, and how we treat others. It's all in our hands and our hands only. Don't forget about control, and remember to live that control out.

Unsure

Sometimes it all plays back and forth in my head. Like a silent film, but with everything already said. I'll never know why it happened the way it did and I'll never know why you didn't fight for me the way you were supposed to. It happened so long ago, but that left me with 13 years to over analyze questions that probably don't even make much sense. About a week ago I had the nerve to stand up for myself and put you in your place, but that didn't work. It back fired. Now you're further away from me without a care in the world. I look at it now, from the stand point of how it's impossible to have my own children. I could NEVER give up on a child, especially my own flesh and blood. I could NEVER stop loving them, NEVER stop thinking about how they are or what they are up to. I could NEVER start a new life without knowing if they are happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. What you did, what you said, and how you perceived things to be, it all hurt. You left and once you did, you should have stayed gone, long gone. To be honest I blamed myself for a long time, but finally I'm realizing it was all you. This entire time, it was you. I stood up to you, while you just left like the coward you are. The only problem, is that I don't know how to feel which makes my heart hurt. It puts that lump in my throat, the one where it makes it impossible to even muster out, an I'm okay. Funny thing is I know I have so many people on my side, but I feel alone. All I want to do lately is hide away and sort everything out so I can find that clarity and stop living my life so confused.

Shake.

Shake this off, all of it. Before it gets too tough, before it starts thickening and tightening around your neck. Shake it all off. How can you go on knowing what you did, knowing that you left? Nobody said you had to stay, but it would've been the right thing to do. I still can't shake this like you did; the hurt, the guilt, the lies. Did you even feel any of that with all of the fake smiles and laughs you gave out? Did you even feel that when you gave me false hope with the pathetic memories that I COULDN'T even remember? I thought this would get easier, I thought that I would've grown from this, but to be honest I feel so small, and I hurt everyday just because I know that I'm somehow replaced by others. Others that were once innocent without a care in the world like me, replaced by others that had no clue what abandonment was or is. You stayed for them and you fight for them, but why, just why the hell couldn't you fight for me? Why, just why couldn't you stick your guns in the air during that battle? Why, just why couldn't you just keep reloading? Why did you shake this all off? Why did you shake me away? I'll never know these things, but I found the key to my hurt. Too bad it's locked in and the key won't turn all of the way.