In A Damn Heartbeat.

I want you, but I can't have you. I need you, but I feel like I'm not needed. All I want to do is be there for you, make you laugh when you're down, and be there when you need to talk. I tell you countless times and it probably gets damn right annoying, but I care so much for you that I don't care if I get hurt, I care if you get hurt. You make me laugh with the stupid things we say and talk about, with the stupid auto cucumber joke that we play every time one of is most likely about to cry. I don't know about you, but every time that card is played I break out into a smile. The fact that you remember things, that you care enough to remember and just be there for me means a lot already. I just wish you would see if you gave me even the slightest chance, I'd be there for you day in and day out. What you need to know even though you probably already know is that I give my WHOLE HEART, I strive to make the person I'm with happy, and if I can do that, then I've done my job, I'd make sure you had soup and tea and a warm bed if you're sick, I'd cook for you even though, I only know how to make certain things, but I'm getting better I promise, I'd clean and do your laundry, I'd make you little cards that say free back rub, or leave you little sticky notes all over the place that tell you how much you are love and adored. This all sounds cliche, but, I don't care about others reaction to this, all I care about is you and I want you to be my cliche. I don't care if I'm not treated right, I care more about if you're treated right, if you're happy or content. I actually give a damn about you and worry about if you're okay. I lose sleep wondering about how you are and kick myself for not saying goodnight. It's your turn to be happy, to be content. It's your turn to be with someone who gets it. As tacky as this sounds, I want to tell you so badly that we're done looking.... I feel like you and I, we fit. I'm debating on whether or not I'm going to tell you this, but one thing is for sure, I love you more than anything even if it is just as a friend and that's all you need, I'll be there. I promise, always. You can't get rid of me that easily. I'm done staying cold, with you, I feel like I don't need to, and you've taught me so much about my own heart that I wasn't completely aware of in the first place, so thank you for that. Your Hand In Mine, no matter what.

Slivers, Countless Slivers

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. I miss being wanted, needed, I miss being loved just because, or being that one reason that somebody has, that one reason that gives them light back into their life. I feel fallen, like half of my heart is there, but everything I do, I put my whole heart into, or I try to rise above and fly through it all, fly through the hard impact, but I'm doing it with one wing, because when you hurt that bad everything feels like half, you feel like half. Maybe I'm just half there when it comes to things, but in all honesty I'm fully aware, fully there, and if you'd just give me chance you'd see that too. I have a tattoo that says "You're Not Alone" and truth be hold I got those for those I love, to show that they are not alone, but how do I go about saying that I'm the one in the wrong because I feel alone. Even with my faith as much as I have, it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm searching, but for what? I'm so extremely scared that I will be alone, forever. I just want to share my love, my heart, my everything with that someone who deserves it. Maybe I haven't found my man in the moon, but just a sliver, and to be honest that sliver is deep and it hurts, that sliver is a belief, a belief you get when people say they love you and are going to be there for you, words mean something, but when people say them they say them in the moment, not for the long run. So the number of slivers I have I couldn't even count. Healing, is that too much to ask for? I find myself confused, lost, and insecure. The past was bad, really bad, but it impacted me to grow. What if I haven't grown though? What if I'm just walking in place instead of moving miles stones, or even moving in baby steps? We all wonder what it's like to love and we've all been there, whether it be right or wrong we've all been there. It's something we need and can't live without, so is that why we are so quick to rush instead of actually wait. I still don't know and I'm still trying to process what past relationships did do me. I can't express how much I look up to my mom right now. After what my biological father did do her. He hurt her, bad. I still see the hurt in her eyes even with her have founding that happiness, the hurt hides behind those beautiful, loving eyes. I watched her hurt so much, and the that process, I started hurting, I hurt because I couldn't fix her, I couldn't fix the situation, and I still question whether or not on the matter if I was the cause. That's a main reason that I'm afraid to love, because it hurts, love honestly hurts and it can be so unfair, and it can downright just suck, but going through that, isn't that's what's supposed to happen? So I ask myself all of the time, will these slivers surface, will they plucked out by that one true love, by that knight in shining armor, or will they begin to sink deeper and deeper, and grow into my heart, turning it into a slivered heart of stone? I hope I'm wrong about this, but nobody has ever given me a reason to believe in a saving love.

When I Hear That Word...

This is getting to me lately, so think about it the next time you decide to take it into a joking matter. When I hear that word I cringe, I become flustered, and hurt. When I hear people making fun of it I can't stand to be in the same room and I immediately just want to go shut down. RAPE, one thing that should NEVER, be made fun of. I don't care who you are it's not something to joke around about. It's real, it's cruel, it can make your confidence and self esteem go from high to low like that. People need to get a grip and stop it. It's harassment with words of something so foreign to people that they think it's okay, they think it's funny. It's not. It's degrading and immoral. To anyone that has been through this ordeal, I pray everyday that you find comfort and peace someday.

Racking My BRAIN.

Leave it to me to blog at 6 in the a.m. Between being half awake and the continuous strange, yet very real dreams, I'm determined to get to the bottom of this. Why is it that guys all say the same thing to me, I mean they all say the nicest things to me, but they never actually want to date me. I'm not broken, so does that mean I'm cursed? Was it the countless times I opened an umbrella in the house as a child? I mean seriously, I'm the odd ball out when it comes to my closest friends, they are either: married, married with child, have a child, or are in some sort of relationship. I mean what the hell? I give it my all, I really do. I fall for guys who never fall back, for ones that I can never have in full, who use me until I'm blue in the face. What really gets to me though, is not yet knowing who YOU ARE AS AN INDIVIDUAL. Don't you have to have some sense and figure out who you are to an extent, before you guess and assume and decide to date and figure someone else out? Doesn't that make the relationship successful? By the looks of it from my friends and my family's marriages they are working out great. Glad that this will just keep people wondering who this is about, who knows, maybe it will get him to think about it, yes I said him, get over it, I have feelings for someone. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Yeah I just went all sinister and laughed even though it stings a little. Just remember fella, I'll be there for you when you get screwed over, and it's then I hope you make your move, just maybe you will. Real eyes realize, so open your damn eyes and realize, because as of now your heart is going to crumble.

Say it, Mean it, Do It.

Why do we say things to people that we mean in the moments when we're face to face or voice to voice, but we never really follow through with it all? I feel like I burden people with having to be there for me. I don't expect that at all, for one thing broken promises actually do hurt, and you definitely can't bull shit a bull shitter. Just not going to happen, I've been young and naive once, but what is fascinating, is I'm getting the run around from grown men. I'm not stupid, so don't be a coward and just tell me how you truly feel, I have the guts to take it. I know I'm screwed up, I know I have issues, and things to work on, but I also have goals, I have a heart, and when I put my trust in you, you're damn lucky. I PROMISE to the ones that I love, to the ones that are my friends, and to the ones I care about, I WILL be there no matter what, when you get screwed over: I'll be there. When you need a shoulder to cry on, even if I'm miles and miles away: I'll be there. When you have a broken heart: I'll certainly be there, and I'll be there to help with the mending process. When I do something, or when I say something I mean it, I put my WHOLE heart on the line and into the things I do, so don't EVER take it for granted. I don't Appreciate being lied to, sneaking around just because you don't see me every damn day, twisting my words around, and I most definitely don't like getting my heart tossed around like it's my stomach turning in knots. The gut wrenching feeling that happens in the heart, that's the worst feeling ever. No single person deserves it. An honest heart is a loveable heart, it makes us grow fonder of one another. Love and a beating heart are always at stake when it comes to anything. Get it? Accept it. Say it. Mean it. Do it. Now go for it, put it all on the table and mean what you say, and be there.

Mighty No More.

The king and the queen they are caught in the rain, running from the devils cursed echoing. Now they know the meaning of what true scars are, when they made a pact that involved there lovely daughter. Hoping on what's not in front of them, hazy has become of them and their wisdom. Oh, eyes set on what only the flames cannot burn, what's the point of love when it does nothing but torture? How is your heart, so settled but apart, from the one who lost, from the one who is in knots and in the tight grip of the villains dark. So make a wish, for the one you once loved is the one you now miss a misfortune from the misguidance you've given out, it's never been noble and you have never made me proud. As your daughter looks down from the sky above, she's brighter than the stars and now she knows that she's loved from the ones who shine around her up there, not from the ones who gave up on her down there. Every decision you will make involves your faith, and weighs heavy on your heart, more than the golden crown that you wear around your head that you consider will never be lost until the day of your death. For blood is not as thick as you would like it to stick, when you give up looking for the one that you loved, in the eyes of God you are no longer dubbed the glorious one.

Letting Go.

Secluded room & secluded mind, I wonder where in the world is our time. I can't process my thoughts straight, they are washed out like the sand in the sea & a hurt heart that just can't be. Don't think you're to blame because i'm sorry everyday for what I've put you through, I'm sorry for the shame, but one thing you need to know before I let go of this rope; I love you too infinity & for us I'll never give up hope.