Unsure

Sometimes it all plays back and forth in my head. Like a silent film, but with everything already said. I'll never know why it happened the way it did and I'll never know why you didn't fight for me the way you were supposed to. It happened so long ago, but that left me with 13 years to over analyze questions that probably don't even make much sense. About a week ago I had the nerve to stand up for myself and put you in your place, but that didn't work. It back fired. Now you're further away from me without a care in the world. I look at it now, from the stand point of how it's impossible to have my own children. I could NEVER give up on a child, especially my own flesh and blood. I could NEVER stop loving them, NEVER stop thinking about how they are or what they are up to. I could NEVER start a new life without knowing if they are happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. What you did, what you said, and how you perceived things to be, it all hurt. You left and once you did, you should have stayed gone, long gone. To be honest I blamed myself for a long time, but finally I'm realizing it was all you. This entire time, it was you. I stood up to you, while you just left like the coward you are. The only problem, is that I don't know how to feel which makes my heart hurt. It puts that lump in my throat, the one where it makes it impossible to even muster out, an I'm okay. Funny thing is I know I have so many people on my side, but I feel alone. All I want to do lately is hide away and sort everything out so I can find that clarity and stop living my life so confused.

Shake.

Shake this off, all of it. Before it gets too tough, before it starts thickening and tightening around your neck. Shake it all off. How can you go on knowing what you did, knowing that you left? Nobody said you had to stay, but it would've been the right thing to do. I still can't shake this like you did; the hurt, the guilt, the lies. Did you even feel any of that with all of the fake smiles and laughs you gave out? Did you even feel that when you gave me false hope with the pathetic memories that I COULDN'T even remember? I thought this would get easier, I thought that I would've grown from this, but to be honest I feel so small, and I hurt everyday just because I know that I'm somehow replaced by others. Others that were once innocent without a care in the world like me, replaced by others that had no clue what abandonment was or is. You stayed for them and you fight for them, but why, just why the hell couldn't you fight for me? Why, just why couldn't you stick your guns in the air during that battle? Why, just why couldn't you just keep reloading? Why did you shake this all off? Why did you shake me away? I'll never know these things, but I found the key to my hurt. Too bad it's locked in and the key won't turn all of the way.

Who We Have & What We Give.

God created us to be loved and to love in return. There is nothing selfish about love, nothing conceited, nothing torturous about it. It drains us of everything we have, but in the best way possible, it brings the light back, and stops the heaviness that weighs our hearts down. Love isn’t a bet you can place, isn’t something you can just burry alive, it’s something you want to dig up, something you need so you don’t fall into that grave you will once know later on. Love is not a cold dead thing, it’s one cell that will continuously multiply. You try stopping that, you’re just stopping yourself. You push and you push that one person you really care for to get to the bottom of their hurt, for them to shake it off. Truth is, I’d be that punching bag, I’d take the beatings for you because you need to know that I’m not hanging by nothing, I’m hanging on to you. I hold on for dear life, even when it all gets blurry, even when I can’t focus and want to let go, I keep holding on to that one strand of you. If it was possible to sync your pain into my system, into my body, I’d make it happen. I’d suck the cells out of you that are eating you alive, I’d take them upon myself because somehow I have in my mindset that I deserve it all, and by all I mean the pain that circulates my body, that throbs into my head, and tugs on my heart. I'd love you even if we are miles apart. You keep me alive.

And Here We Go.

And here we go making fools out of one another, with the stories we told, with lies we spoke, with the feelings we felt, and with the cards we dealt. Why do we hold the those grudges, the ones that lead us deep into the dark parts of the woods, the ones that make us fear we're losing ourselves along with the heart that we hold dear in our hands. What are we so afraid of? What are we mastering? What are we exaggerating? Do we do this to each other because the makeups are more heartfelt than any conversation we've ever held or is it because we are to shocked in disbelief to actually fess up to our wrong doings? Every single one of your apologies is a needle wedged into my skin deeper and deeper, and eventually I become numb to them and forget what it means. And here we go making cowards out of one another, using each other for the wrong, fighting until the end, but loving only in the cold and lonely night. Why do we hurt each other the way that we do? Why do we force things upon one another when we are already so exhausted and overcome with fear? Is it because we want to face it head on and just get it over with or is it because we don't want to retrace our steps and take the time to fix that one small crime? And here we go fighting that fight, the one with endless possibilities, loving one another no matter what. Do we take what we can get or do we take what we deserve and forget the uncalled for fits of distress? I'll tell you one thing, this isn't a game, it's how you hold on and how you love that makes you tame. 

Cassadee Pope, From The Bottom Of My Heart.... Thank You!

This is just how I feel personally about her, whether you disagree or not, well that's your problem. She truly does inspire me to do my best and before surgery she talked to me about it and the fact that she wants to help spread awareness on this disease I have and that many women are affected by means the world to me. She gets me, not just as a supporter, but as a friend. When it comes to winning The Voice she's already won, but I know for a fact she will win on Tuesday night. She deserves this more than anyone and I'm honestly getting teary eyed right now as I type this sucker out on my phone. She's graced us with her, presence, voice, lyrics, story, but most of all her support and encouragement she gives to others. She makes me strive to be to be a better person, she makes me strive to go after my dreams and set realistic goals that are achievable. Cass it's because of you that so many of us want to be a better person, it's because of you that we all want to go after our dreams. I know all of you cassettes believe this and get this too. Reblog this if you believe in our light in the dark, Cassadee Pope. Pope Gives Us Hope, and that will NEVER change. A personal thank you to her for helping me through my crap time and for the advice she gives. She never fails to amaze me. She's going so far in life and is doing such amazing things already, and I can't wait until they crown her winner on Tuesday, even though in my heart she's already won, not just The Voice, but she's won me over.

Quick update.

My Fight With Endometriosis. This Is A New Start.....