Comparison.

Comparing ourselves to the ones we once loved lovers, rattles are bones a little more often than we think. For some reason it's always and internal battle of "I wasn't good enough" or "Had things been this way." The point is we all fall back to this at point or another. I've done this on many occasions and thought I was in the wrong because I should just be over, but the truth is you never get over the ones you loved. You will always love them and they will have had someway impacted your life, good or bad. Hell, it was a learning experience right? It made us love ourselves a little more and we put on that war paint to go and refund who we really are. I'm thankful for the good, the bad, and the ugly, because it's a solid reminder that it's not going to hurt so much. The ones we once loved got away, but we never strayed. There's always 2 sides to a story and we'll always fight that ours was the right one, but so is theirs. Give it time, because eventually once you love yourself, that's when you fall in love for the first time and you're no longer the one we once loved, you're the one that's in love and that's permanent.

An Open Letter To "The One" Who Used To Give A Damn.

Dear Human, You used to go out of your way for me and we used to have that kind of love that made others want to throw up. You were so different from anyone else I'd ever been with and maybe that's because you knew what it was like to be alone and too independent to the point where it got you into trouble. It wasn't until you showed up that I didn't have to go through my 3 hour anxiety attacks alone; even when I wouldn't admit it and I'd tell you I was fine, you still sat there with me until I found my breath. You gave me purpose and you helped me remember what it was like to love someone again. We had our moments, but it was from fear. We went though rocky situations and our trust was on the back burner regardless of how much we loved each other. I soon realized that after I fought while you lay in a pool of selfishness. You were there when I went through the upmost difficult trials, but you pushed me away as soon as you went through any sort of turmoil or rough waters. You invaded your own ship and sunk it before I could even patch pieces of it up and you came to me after the damage was unrepairable. To watch you sink before my very eyes is a different form of loss, it's more painful than someone who gets a grave because in this case you're too lost to even find peace in the ground. This was all new to me and I was experiencing true heartache. You dragged love out and used it as a punchline and I stood there as a punching bag because I thought I could help if you took it out on me. I couldn't even catch my breath this time and I was sitting there saying I loved you back to someone who wasnt current in my life, but was just presenting themselves when necessary. You used to give a damn, and maybe that's because when we were together you stopped your old habits that you relied on so much. You used to rely on me and I used to be your human. Even as friends you continued to hurt me and I took it because I thought you'd change. You used to tell me that I needed to truly love myself, but you never really loved yourself. All of these self destructing ways inhabited your blood stream and you lost sight of yourself and the ones who love you, you lost sight of the love I had for you. You know those relationships where you try to save a person and it backfires so you knit pick everything you do? Well that was me in all of this. I kept thinking I was the reason for this self destruction that you endured, but when you kept doing it when I wasn't present in your life, I soon gathered evidence that it wasn't me. You were never accountable for you actions and I truly believe I was the only solid person in your life who didn't feed you bullshit. I gave it to you straight and you didn't like that. You made me out to be this monster, but that was you. All of the fear you ever had about love ate you alive. I could say that I hate you, but I don't. I'm sad for you and I get it, but I don't hate you. You put that upon youself and now you need to save the rest of who are because you don't even give a damn about your own internal personal growth. You have so much potential, but you keep throwing that away and you keep hiding the truth behind the little devil that sits perked up on your shoulder whispering "sweet advice" in your ear. And sure you take it because it's all you've got and you believe it. I used to give a damn, but now I don't. I'll always love you, but you're not my human anymore and I'm not yours. Please find a way to truly love yourself and please find a way to mean it. After all, we used to breathe together. Please give a damn, because I still do. -B

Loving The Anxious Ones

Loving and understanding a person with anxiety and depression can be a hard thing to do. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it because often times those human beings who suffer, have the most beautiful hearts. They take time and patience, they take reassuring, and they need to be listened to. Sometimes they just need a good laugh or they just need to be held, and other times they just need a comfortable silence with the one that cares so deeply about them. It never goes away; it hides out sometimes, but it never goes away. It’s painful, but tolerable by surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you just as much as you love and care for them. The circle never ends, but the cycle does. Loving and understanding a person with anxiety and depression can be hard, but in the end you could be the reason why they wake up every morning and ultimately you could be their happiness.

We Turned Into I, But I'm Making It About You.

We are all grateful for the amazing human beings in our lives, but it’s until something tragic happens that we really come to appreciate those beautiful and kind hearted human beings that have stuck with us no matter what. We become angry and bitter with everything, but we don’t show it because we try to put on our brave face for others dealing with it all. We lash out in different ways; some unnecessary, some cruel, and sometimes we just numb it out. We are always picking up others, but we tend to forget about ourselves in such trying times. We NEED to let those who love us be there for us, we NEED to remember to not shut them out, no matter how distant we may get. It’s hard to overcome our pride when it comes to the actual amount of strength we try to show off, when deep down we are hurting. I've come to realize that when it comes to my feelings, I’m better at writing them out than I am speaking them, but it’s because I’m afraid of showing my raw emotion to those closest to me. It’s almost like I drown those out and make them out to be strangers because I’m afraid of showing them that I’m not as strong as I make myself out to be. I was originally writing this to prove a point that we need to let others be there in our desperate times of need, but maybe this is turning out to be more of a “Hey, I’m here for you too and you can put some of that fear of letting someone be there for you on me.” So much has happened in the brief 2 months that I've been here, and it’s only made me realize that people are going to come and go, but those who say I love you are generally there with you no matter what, they are there with you no matter what the circumstance may be; even if they have to be left alone for a bit, they are always there with you. We need to take things day by day, and we need to not rush and get ahead of ourselves. After all, we are amazing human beings too and nothing is ever too late.

Remembering Exactly What, Remembering Exactly When.

Minutes and hours pass as the days drift into weeks, and those weeks grow into months. In those exact moments we remember our exact feelings of fear, uncertainty, and we remember the harsh reality as if it were a vivid nightmare that we keep trying to wake up from, but there's no shaking it off with a deep breath; in fact, it takes more than a few to try and remember what it was like months ago, it takes all we have to remember what it was like years ago. We have to carefully remember the not so troubled times because we feel our hearts breaking under the pressure of not knowing. So what do we do? We continue to look for the spark, even if it has dimmed out. We keep it going with our exact faith, and we keep it going with our fragile, but strong hearts. We long for what we had before things fell apart, but all we can do is hang tight. Certain words, smells, sounds, sights, hell even certain physical contact can bring us back to the exact moments that were once minutes, that were once hours and days, and now they've just turned into months, slow creeping months. We will always remember that exact pain that we felt when our hearts started to drop and beat once less beat. The stress, the anxiety, that damn itch we can't seem to find and scratch; it's always going to be there under our skin and embedded into our bloodstream. Even if it goes away for a while, it finds it's way back and we will never understand why and we will never be able to get over it completely. However we can treat it and put it on the mend with some sort of medicine. In this case, we surround ourselves with the ones we love and we try and try and try to keep our chins up, even if our eyes tend to look down. We remember exact moments and we remember exact feelings, but we forget to breathe when things bring us back and bring us down. To keep breathing and to keep loving, that's exactly what we need to remember to do.

Conniving Acceptance

Are we fighting with each other or are we fighting to let go of something so negatively strong in our hearts? It can’t be that hard to let go of every fear and insecurity that is stopping us from truly recognizing our potential. Why are we so afraid to let somebody all of the way into our lives? We should be absorbing everything that one person who changes us, has to offer. Whether it be in small or large amounts, we are still learning to let go, and hold on to what’s right in front of us, to hold on to who’s right in front of us. We’ve become very good at saying that we’ve learned from past mistakes; however, we gradually keep making them over and over again without even realizing it until it’s already too late. We get stuck in a predicament that we can’t get out of and we start relying on others to get us unstuck, instead of forcefully using our minds to be more independent in our own comfortable state of mind. When will this cycle of an ongoing war between our hearts and minds stop? Can’t we just let things be? Just let things happen and fall into place? Why do we keep tampering with the evidence that love really does exist somewhere throughout our cold bodies and fragile hearts? What are we running from? Who are we running from? We’ve made it this far, so why not make it further with someone we love, trust, and honor? We’re so good with words, but our actions lack a great deal of following through. We’re obviously doing something wrong, but why can’t we knit pick the serious problems instead of dissecting the love someone has to offer us? Can’t we just accept it for once, or do we push it all away and let fear drive our control out of our own grip? When does this vicious cycle end? Why does something so pure have to rot? Time can be a real bitch, but in the end that’s all we end up having. We have so much time, but we run out so fast and unexpectedly. So ask yourself this at the end of the day; why are you running and what’s stopping you from accepting it all?

Weak Hands Hold A Strong Heart.

We're constantly trying to hold ourselves together with our own hands that are trying not to break under the severe pressure we are faced with with everyday. Wishing we could look away, we try not to grow bitter for our own hearts sake, for the sake that it too, might decay. We keep over analyzing what and where we went wrong, and we start mapping out the guilt trips in our minds as the blame we think we deserve paralyzes us at our spine. We're left with a weak backbone and everything around us seems so monotone. How can one situation lead us to misfortune and doubt in our own capability to love again? It doesn't have to be that way, especially if we go on knowing that we fought hard for the actual sake of our hearts. I fought hard and that's the rewarding part that comes along with the hurt, because even though the flame went out, I was never burnt when it struggled to stay afloat.

Keep Counting The Bright Ones.

We keep counting the stars just to lose count, just like we keep depending on each other to lose each other. This is all so new and different, but even though I'm scared because of it, the idea and exploration of it all, is actually comforting. We don't wait forever to find the ones we love and we don't wait forever for the ones we love to catch up. In fact, we simply move forward so the waiting isn't time consuming, and we move forward so we can grow closer. Just like the distance between us and the stars, and losing track of where we are, we don't have to keep losing ourselves. We're not afraid of getting close to each other and we're not afraid of waiting, we're afraid of running out of time, and because of that, we grow impatient. Such a simple thing is turned into a mess in our heads. It scratches the surface of our true feelings and we start to say things we don't mean, we start getting distant from the ones who really do want to be in our lives. We can't just burn out like a shooting star, because there's millions of stars to replace that one in the sky, but there's only one of you on this planet, and nobody can replace an individual human being with a beating heart. Every nerve, cell, ounce of blood, every beat that our hearts pump out, it's all significant and not one person can replace that individual that we once thought we knew and loved. Why keep counting the stars when we just get lost in the beauty they have? It's not about the look or keeping score, it's about comfort and that backbone of support. We can't keep counting on each other for happiness and we can't keep getting distant because fear has taken control over us. Get lost in what's beautiful, not because of the exterior, but because of the interior. Stop being afraid to live out your life because of the fear that has control and stop counting on others to fill that pathetic excuse that you call a void in your heart. You can't jump from one person to the other because you're lonely, just like you can't skip stars because your eyes got tired. Be true and be real, and when you burn out, keep shining. Keep your spark going, because one day, I'll find my place again, and I'll find you in the dark, but this time, I'll be in control. I won't lose count, and I won't lose you. Never give up on anything or anyone just because it's not physically presented to us in the time that we expect it to be. Besides, the ones who are furthest away, are actually closer than you know. I'm closer than you know, and I'm closer to you than the stars are to your naked eye.

A thousand more

I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness and a thousand reasons to smile. I want to feel what you need and strive to give you what you want. Wonderful things can happen if you let them and the stars in the sky count that we are looking at something that's beautifully the same. We can't go on making ourselves unhappy, in fact we have to be selfish when it comes to our happiness and the people who get to share that with us. Moving on is not giving up, it's letting go, letting go of the hurt, but remembering the hurt that made us strong. I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness, but I only want to give you one me.

My Letter To Anberlin Went A Little Something Like This.

This was my first tattoo, happened 4 years ago and it will always be my favorite and most meaningful tattoo. This band, this group of guys, these individuals, and human beings hold so much amazing and beautiful space in my heart. Words cannot describe how much they mean to me. They literally saved my life. I'm not sure if they got my letter, but here's a little background on why they are so important to me. In October of 2011 I was going through a really rough time, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was 3000 miles away from my parents and younger siblings, I had to drop my college classes because of how sick I was with my disease and the surgeries that went along with it, and my biological father made it clear he did not want me in his life anymore for the second time. October 16th 2011, that day will be comforting, yet haunting because of Anberlin and how quick my better judgment briefly crossed my mind. I drank to the point where I didn't know my words from my thoughts. All I could think about was how I didn't deserve to live and how much grief I was causing others. I was being selfish, cruel, and feeling way too sorry for myself. I blacked out and at 1:42-1:43 am, I saw the scissors next to me and I saw the blood that had gotten on the floor from the self inflicted wound I gave myself on my wrist. I honestly didn't want to get up, but I heard playing from my IPod dock, Dismantle Repair. The words were so clear, it was if they were all speaking to me: "Things are gonna change now, for the better." Like they were telling me to not give up and to get help. At that point I called for my roommate and the next thing I knew I was awake with IV's hooked into my veins with the sun barely peaking through the hospital window. If it weren't for those powerful words, that powerful song, that powerful band, and group of amazing beings, I wouldn't be here today. I've been sober for drinking and cutting for 2 years now and I've got Anberlin to thank for that. They continue to help me and the support and encouragement they give to me through advice, words, and music is beautiful. Music can pull you through so much, don't ever doubt that, and don't ever doubt yourself. I've grown a lot in the past few years and even if things are still tough, I'm in a right mind set and I'm proud of myself. Remember, "Things are gonna change now, for the better."

Living With Endometriosis: My Story.

Some things just shouldn't exist and some things that exist are a lot harder to cope with than we think we can take. I'll admit, the constant trips to the ER and over night stays in the hospital that took place and continue to take place since I was 14 gets to be annoying and frustrating. I really never thought ovarian cysts could lead to such pain everyday, especially when it was that time of the month. I had my biggest scare in 2011 though and I can honestly say I was at a loss for words. I was living with my grandparents, going to college, working 3 jobs, and I was homesick, away from my parents. This particular Walk-In visit to the doctors made me want my mom more than I have ever wanted her in my lifetime. I waited for about an hour hunched in pain waiting for my lab results and by the time I got them back it wasn't good at all. I was being wheeled out of the room and admitted to the hospital for a high white blood cell count. They ended up doing CT Scans and ultrasounds, and once again it was a cyst, only this time it ruptured and spread a to both ovaries. I had to stay overnight and didn't get released until 3 doctors came in with my stack of medical records. They made me schedule an appointment with an OB to talk about having my first surgery to just check and see if Endometriosis even existed. I consulted with a doctor, had a long talk with my grandparents and parents and the decision to have surgery was a go. One week later I went "under the knife." Sure enough they found it, and in April of 2011 I was diagnosed with Severe Endometriosis. The first two months were terrible because of the healing process, but eventually I was feeling a little better, but something didn't feel right and that's when I ended up in the ER again, this time it was because the surgery had apparently caused an umbilical hernia, so I had to go in and see another doctor for that. (Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the membrane which lines the abdominal cavity. The uterine cavity is lined with endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. Endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often worsen with the menstrual cycle. This can cause severe pelvic pain, infertility, chronic fatigue, and other symptoms as well.) Three weeks later I was back in the hospital getting ready for another surgery. I didn't realize having surgery for a specific condition could lead to another one for something completely different, but caused by the previous one. It was really eye opening. That surgery for the umbilical hernia happened in September of 2011. Again the healing process was really annoying, but still after that I was still in pain and eventually in January of 2012 I was scheduled for my third surgery and once again they found more Endometriosis. This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't stand it at all and my depression and my homesickness was getting out of hand too. The beginning of March, I moved back to Florida to be with my parents, however my pain was still there, and in late May early June I was going in for my fourth surgery. This time it was different because I had my mom and dad with me and they were able to see how bad it was. I was on bed rest from March to August and that included the surgery healing process. I was put on Lupron after my surgery. It was made to stop estrogen and stop periods, almost like menopause, except I was put on a hormone pill to help deal with the side effects. It was a shot every month for 6 months. I was almost certain that this surgery worked. However 4 months later I had the most intense pain, it beat all of the pain that I had every experienced. I again made appointments with my doctor and we said with the amount of surgeries I have had in almost 2 years, that it was time to really look at my only other option. When I heard him say, "Hysterectomy", I was devastated. He let me go home to think about it for a week and and talk it over with my family. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to do this anymore and I didn't want the pain to be there as constant as it had been, but when I made the decision to have it done and meet with my doctor I brought up the idea of keeping my left ovary and tube, and he said I was able to do that. This gave me a little more hope especially because that meant no hormone therapy, and that I would still be able to produce my own eggs to one day have kids of my own. On December 14th 2012, I had my partial Hysterectomy, not only did they find more Endometriosis, but they found it on a nerve so it was more difficult to burn off, and the chance of it growing back and spreading was more likely. This was the most painful surgery I have every had and the most emotional one as well. It has helped for the most part, but I'm still feeling discomfort and pain. I guess I try to deny it at times because I'm ashamed. Living with this disease and chronic pain disorder has been so overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. My anxiety and depression have been up and down because of it and relationships with some people who were so close have been torn apart because when I have been in these situations I shut a lot of people out. I guess that's what happens when you're in pain though. You shut people out and become selfish because you want answers and you just want to be healed for good. I hope one day they find a cure for this because I know I don't deserve this, and I know women who suffer from this don't deserve to go through this. I've met a lot of amazing people through support groups, and as crazy as it will sound it's been from Twitter. I'm thankful for those women and I look up to them Everyday. Music has helped a lot, Especially the bands and artists who mean the most. Honestly through out the past 3 years I've had this, it's been nothing but Anberlin, Cassadee Pope, Paramore, Cady Groves, Hey Monday, Circa Survive, Anthony Green, and Explosions In The Sky. Those were the bands and artists that literally PULLED me out of the dark place I could've ended up in. It sounds cliche, but when your life is revolved around a chronic illness where you can't even get out of bed even to say good morning or good night to your own family, that's when the music, lyrics, and melody's help you cope. I owe those bands and artists a huge thanks to not letting me drift. They have all been singing me through the rough times, literally. Living with this has taught me to let people be there for me. Especially my close family and friends. Without them I would've crumbled and I would've given up on the spot and wouldn't have put very much into consideration when it came to my own happiness. They have never judged me for the decisions I've made regarding my body and my surgeries. They have all been there to give me support, encouragement, guidance, and love and I don't know what I'd do without them. They were there no matter what, from making sure I had a smile on my face, to hearing laughter come from my mouth, even if it meant watch Ellen on TV or Duck Dynasty, they were there, and they were there for me especially when it came to the ER visits or over night stays in the hospital that came with the ER visits or surgery dates. I learned something out of all of this though. I've learned to keep my chin up because it can always be worse. It's so true even with a struggle or battle of my own. I may not be completely healed, but I'm finding ways to try and get to feeling better. I'm currently seeing a specialist for Endometriosis only and I'm glad I'm headed in the right direction. I won't give up and I can say with all of this that I don't just fight for me, I fight for others struggling with this disease. I will continue to spread awareness, because each day a woman is diagnosed and each day a woman is hurting and that's not okay with me.

Anberlin Has Truly Saved My Life. Thank You.

In October it will be 2 years since I've touched a pair of scissors and put it to my shoulder, it will be 2 years that I came to the realization that regardless, of having severe Endometriosis with surgery after surgery, having depression and anxiety, or problems from my certain "family members" not giving a damn, I can make it through. A lot had to do with music and writing. When I write I'm able to get it all out and say what I want and need to on paper or through blogging. Music played a HUGE role though; with bands and artist such as Paramore, Explosions In The Sky, Hey Monday, Cassadee Pope, Sleeping With Sirens, and Conditions. However one band has literally stuck with me since my high school years when my depression all started to take a heavy course. ANBERLIN, helped me get through it all. Every word, lyric, song, song title, melody, and beat, just everything composed by them got me and brought me a step closer to that goal of feeling healed, or realizing there was a better action to take to get me to a solid state of mind. I even made my mom listen to their music when our relationship started to get rocky and it actually helped us bond like a mother and daughter should. I'm so extremely grateful for what Anberlin has done for me. I would give anything to meet them in person and say thank you. Unfortunately I was always sick or in pain from my Endometriosis to actually go to a show, but I know one day I will get that chance to see them, hug them, and thank them for helping me out of that dark place. I can't believe I will be 2 years sober from cutting or even having a thought about it. So for now, I will thank them through my writing and my blogging. I don't know what I would've done without you, or without out any of those bands and artist I listed above. Anberlin, I hope you know how much you have inspired me and motivated me to do my best to stay positive everyday. Thank you for singing me through the rough times. I will love you forever and always, and I'll be standing in that crowd of fans one day singing every word to every song you play like I do at home everyday. "You Caught Me On The Way Down." That I know to be true.

Anberlin.

To be honest in 2010 when I was going through all of my health issues, including: my knee surgeries, trying to diagnose what was later to be endometriosis, and dealing with my depression and anxiety, I found an outlook. Writing helped me so much, but so did music. Especially Anberlin. I was 3000 miles away from my beautiful family, my health problems were getting out of control, and this made my depression and anxiety worse. Their music helped me out of a really dark place. I used to cut, and listening to more of their music helped apart me realize that I needed to stop. I would give anything to meet them or see them live. I just wish I could thank them for helping me and for them to continue to help me through my rough patches. I've never been so grateful for a band like I am for Anberlin. I hope they can see this one day and know they've helped save apart of me. "You caught me on the way down."

Making Some Sense.

We go on trying to make sense, of what doesn't make sense, and when we finally take a step back and look at it all, we get frustrated, angry, depressed, and confused. We aren't supposed to understand it all, but we are expected to learn from it. By saying all, I mean life; the life we got and the way we choose to live it. Happiness may be choice, but the obstacles and illusions we're faced with, those aren't what we choose to be apart of our life. Those obstacles and illusions aren't hand picked just so we can feel gloomy all of the time. Shit happens and sometimes those breakdowns we have are necessary to make leaps and bounds over the so called walls blocking us from getting us to where we need to be. One obstacle I'm learning to overcome and see from a better and clearer perspective is love, and who I'm choosing to love. In all honesty, the majority of the ones I love so much are thousands of miles away. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it still hurts to be so far away from them. On an emotional level loving those people is an amazing and a beautiful feeling, but physically it's draining the energy from my body because the missing has gotten so out of hand. This brings me to wants and needs. The wants and needs we have are like coins we throw in a fountain. Our wants are the coins we decide to throw into that fountain and wish upon, and our needs are the coins we leave behind in our pockets and save for later hoping we get a chance to make everything right. Either this will all make sense, or it won't at all. It's how we choose to perceive things, how we choose to feel, and act upon every single obstacle and illusion. So let me ask you this. Are you getting to choose the amount of control you have over YOUR actions, over YOUR LIFE, and over YOUR feelings? Think about it, but don't think too long because that will just be another situation that doesn't make sense.

When Death Strikes

When death strikes, it strikes hard, but it leaves us numb for a certain period of time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was mistaken. Time just makes our wounds tolerable. Isn't it all about time though? Death reminds us about what exactly we've been doing with our life, death reminds us that there is often not enough time, and death reminds us that we are rushing everything or that we're in a hurry to finish first. When death strikes, we are unaware and it's all unexpected. How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means saying goodbye? How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means never hearing the voice or seeing the face of the one who has impacted with a strong force? When death strikes, everything we ever had becomes nothing but a memory and we start thinking about the probability VS possibility situations. We start over exaggerating what could've been and we beat ourselves up for it. We start becoming hermits for a short term and everything we see, reminds us of what death took from us. When death strikes, we treat it as if it were a person and throw punches at the ones who are only trying to help. We start kicking and screaming because when we least expect the numbness to wear off, we feel the hard blow and we can barely speak. We start the grieving process all over again, but this time it's feels real. We start looking at it all, as a reality and not a dream. When death strikes, we start wishing we had amnesia and we start permanently forgetting. We don't even think twice about it, but for some reason we wish we could forget it, forget the person we loved and just pretend it never happened. We want to forget that their mere existence even existed. When death strikes, we lash out and start questioning "faith" and we start doubting that higher being that we call our God. We become completely ill with everything that involves the word God and the phrase "They're in a better place." Again it's something we say so we can forget that maybe they aren't even in "That better place", because for all we know, it doesn't exist. For all that we know, in the back of our minds, we know it doesn't exist. When death strikes, it strikes hard, and that numbness that we feel is only temporary. Death is an everyday thing, and unfortunately the hurt that we feel in our hearts lasts forever. It's just taking it day by day and letting time, take it's time.

SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES I get distant and SOMETIMES it's from the ones who mean the most to me, the ones who are right in front of me and close enough to reach out and touch. I don't mean to give that impression off, but I get scared SOMETIMES. I know I need to get better at not doing all of that, I know I need to get better at letting people all of the way in instead of fighting them off. However the truth is, when I love, I love. I mean I really love and I give it my all, I give everything I have in my power to make sure that the one I'm in love with and those that I love are happy and content. I don't treat the phrase "I Love You", as just something to say. I mean it, all of it, but SOMETIMES, I need to be reassured. Doesn't everybody? If you read this, I hope I'm making you proud, I hope I'm making you happy like you make me happy, I hope you love me the way that I love you. I know SOMETIMES it isn't easy and shit will happen, but that should never stop us from being there for each other or loving one another. I know SOMETIMES I can be difficult and emotional, but that's who I am, it's because I care. I know SOMETIMES I say sorry too much and I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because I just want to make sure you understand that I'm trying. SOMETIMES I let my thoughts and fears drive me so I can be prepared, but I don't want to do that anymore, I can't do that anymore. I know this won't be easy, but life isn't easy. I want to live and I want to feel alive, and I want to experience that without doubting myself and what I have. SOMETIMES I forget I have you, but I'm going to quit with the SOMETIMES, and realize I have you ALL OF THE TIME.

Controlling The Forgetting & Remembering.

To forget and remember aren't feelings, they're actions and they speak a hell of a lot louder than the words we preach. We forget in order to make excuses; excuses to let us hold on to what we need or want a little bit longer. Those times we "forget" and those excuses we make set us back severely. Face it, we can't ever get enough of it all because that means someones always going to be there to hold our hand a little bit longer, but then something strange happens; we suddenly remember what we're supposed to be doing for ourselves and we realize who we've hurt along the way. We make up some epic speech about how sorry we are and how much we love those that we started to drag down with us. We remember how shitty it made us look, but then we start it all over again because we're afraid of the guilt and what it does to our insides. We never like to admit when we're wrong, especially to the ones who care about us the most. We all have our own life, so why do we have to let somebody else dictate that? Why do we forget that we need to do things for ourselves? Why can't we remember the simple fact that it's okay to make mistakes, learn from them, admit when we're wrong, and move on? We never actually grow up because we're in a vicious cycle of not ever making up our own damn mind. Sometimes we forget to say I love you, or how much we appreciate one another for what they provide for us. When it comes to those things, it's not okay. It's not okay to forget to be appreciative and less selfish. It's not okay to forget that hurting someone isn't a feeling, it's a literal action we take because we know that when it really comes down to it all, that person was right all along and we didn't listen. We ALWAYS take the easy way out. We forget, we forget to remember why the hell we have feelings. We forget to remember that we have to live our own life, whether it be good or bad. We forget to remember that it's okay to have those close to us be there for us, but to not drag them down and use them constantly because they've learned the process of living an actual life. It's all about control, and when it comes down to it, to forget and remember; we have complete control over those actions, over our life. We have control over these two very aggressive and meaningful actions because it's apart of who we are, how we choose to live, and how we treat others. It's all in our hands and our hands only. Don't forget about control, and remember to live that control out.

Unsure

Sometimes it all plays back and forth in my head. Like a silent film, but with everything already said. I'll never know why it happened the way it did and I'll never know why you didn't fight for me the way you were supposed to. It happened so long ago, but that left me with 13 years to over analyze questions that probably don't even make much sense. About a week ago I had the nerve to stand up for myself and put you in your place, but that didn't work. It back fired. Now you're further away from me without a care in the world. I look at it now, from the stand point of how it's impossible to have my own children. I could NEVER give up on a child, especially my own flesh and blood. I could NEVER stop loving them, NEVER stop thinking about how they are or what they are up to. I could NEVER start a new life without knowing if they are happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. What you did, what you said, and how you perceived things to be, it all hurt. You left and once you did, you should have stayed gone, long gone. To be honest I blamed myself for a long time, but finally I'm realizing it was all you. This entire time, it was you. I stood up to you, while you just left like the coward you are. The only problem, is that I don't know how to feel which makes my heart hurt. It puts that lump in my throat, the one where it makes it impossible to even muster out, an I'm okay. Funny thing is I know I have so many people on my side, but I feel alone. All I want to do lately is hide away and sort everything out so I can find that clarity and stop living my life so confused.

Shake.

Shake this off, all of it. Before it gets too tough, before it starts thickening and tightening around your neck. Shake it all off. How can you go on knowing what you did, knowing that you left? Nobody said you had to stay, but it would've been the right thing to do. I still can't shake this like you did; the hurt, the guilt, the lies. Did you even feel any of that with all of the fake smiles and laughs you gave out? Did you even feel that when you gave me false hope with the pathetic memories that I COULDN'T even remember? I thought this would get easier, I thought that I would've grown from this, but to be honest I feel so small, and I hurt everyday just because I know that I'm somehow replaced by others. Others that were once innocent without a care in the world like me, replaced by others that had no clue what abandonment was or is. You stayed for them and you fight for them, but why, just why the hell couldn't you fight for me? Why, just why couldn't you stick your guns in the air during that battle? Why, just why couldn't you just keep reloading? Why did you shake this all off? Why did you shake me away? I'll never know these things, but I found the key to my hurt. Too bad it's locked in and the key won't turn all of the way.

Who We Have & What We Give.

God created us to be loved and to love in return. There is nothing selfish about love, nothing conceited, nothing torturous about it. It drains us of everything we have, but in the best way possible, it brings the light back, and stops the heaviness that weighs our hearts down. Love isn’t a bet you can place, isn’t something you can just burry alive, it’s something you want to dig up, something you need so you don’t fall into that grave you will once know later on. Love is not a cold dead thing, it’s one cell that will continuously multiply. You try stopping that, you’re just stopping yourself. You push and you push that one person you really care for to get to the bottom of their hurt, for them to shake it off. Truth is, I’d be that punching bag, I’d take the beatings for you because you need to know that I’m not hanging by nothing, I’m hanging on to you. I hold on for dear life, even when it all gets blurry, even when I can’t focus and want to let go, I keep holding on to that one strand of you. If it was possible to sync your pain into my system, into my body, I’d make it happen. I’d suck the cells out of you that are eating you alive, I’d take them upon myself because somehow I have in my mindset that I deserve it all, and by all I mean the pain that circulates my body, that throbs into my head, and tugs on my heart. I'd love you even if we are miles apart. You keep me alive.