Keep Counting The Bright Ones.

We keep counting the stars just to lose count, just like we keep depending on each other to lose each other. This is all so new and different, but even though I'm scared because of it, the idea and exploration of it all, is actually comforting. We don't wait forever to find the ones we love and we don't wait forever for the ones we love to catch up. In fact, we simply move forward so the waiting isn't time consuming, and we move forward so we can grow closer. Just like the distance between us and the stars, and losing track of where we are, we don't have to keep losing ourselves. We're not afraid of getting close to each other and we're not afraid of waiting, we're afraid of running out of time, and because of that, we grow impatient. Such a simple thing is turned into a mess in our heads. It scratches the surface of our true feelings and we start to say things we don't mean, we start getting distant from the ones who really do want to be in our lives. We can't just burn out like a shooting star, because there's millions of stars to replace that one in the sky, but there's only one of you on this planet, and nobody can replace an individual human being with a beating heart. Every nerve, cell, ounce of blood, every beat that our hearts pump out, it's all significant and not one person can replace that individual that we once thought we knew and loved. Why keep counting the stars when we just get lost in the beauty they have? It's not about the look or keeping score, it's about comfort and that backbone of support. We can't keep counting on each other for happiness and we can't keep getting distant because fear has taken control over us. Get lost in what's beautiful, not because of the exterior, but because of the interior. Stop being afraid to live out your life because of the fear that has control and stop counting on others to fill that pathetic excuse that you call a void in your heart. You can't jump from one person to the other because you're lonely, just like you can't skip stars because your eyes got tired. Be true and be real, and when you burn out, keep shining. Keep your spark going, because one day, I'll find my place again, and I'll find you in the dark, but this time, I'll be in control. I won't lose count, and I won't lose you. Never give up on anything or anyone just because it's not physically presented to us in the time that we expect it to be. Besides, the ones who are furthest away, are actually closer than you know. I'm closer than you know, and I'm closer to you than the stars are to your naked eye.

A thousand more

I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness and a thousand reasons to smile. I want to feel what you need and strive to give you what you want. Wonderful things can happen if you let them and the stars in the sky count that we are looking at something that's beautifully the same. We can't go on making ourselves unhappy, in fact we have to be selfish when it comes to our happiness and the people who get to share that with us. Moving on is not giving up, it's letting go, letting go of the hurt, but remembering the hurt that made us strong. I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness, but I only want to give you one me.

My Letter To Anberlin Went A Little Something Like This.

This was my first tattoo, happened 4 years ago and it will always be my favorite and most meaningful tattoo. This band, this group of guys, these individuals, and human beings hold so much amazing and beautiful space in my heart. Words cannot describe how much they mean to me. They literally saved my life. I'm not sure if they got my letter, but here's a little background on why they are so important to me. In October of 2011 I was going through a really rough time, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was 3000 miles away from my parents and younger siblings, I had to drop my college classes because of how sick I was with my disease and the surgeries that went along with it, and my biological father made it clear he did not want me in his life anymore for the second time. October 16th 2011, that day will be comforting, yet haunting because of Anberlin and how quick my better judgment briefly crossed my mind. I drank to the point where I didn't know my words from my thoughts. All I could think about was how I didn't deserve to live and how much grief I was causing others. I was being selfish, cruel, and feeling way too sorry for myself. I blacked out and at 1:42-1:43 am, I saw the scissors next to me and I saw the blood that had gotten on the floor from the self inflicted wound I gave myself on my wrist. I honestly didn't want to get up, but I heard playing from my IPod dock, Dismantle Repair. The words were so clear, it was if they were all speaking to me: "Things are gonna change now, for the better." Like they were telling me to not give up and to get help. At that point I called for my roommate and the next thing I knew I was awake with IV's hooked into my veins with the sun barely peaking through the hospital window. If it weren't for those powerful words, that powerful song, that powerful band, and group of amazing beings, I wouldn't be here today. I've been sober for drinking and cutting for 2 years now and I've got Anberlin to thank for that. They continue to help me and the support and encouragement they give to me through advice, words, and music is beautiful. Music can pull you through so much, don't ever doubt that, and don't ever doubt yourself. I've grown a lot in the past few years and even if things are still tough, I'm in a right mind set and I'm proud of myself. Remember, "Things are gonna change now, for the better."

Living With Endometriosis: My Story.

Some things just shouldn't exist and some things that exist are a lot harder to cope with than we think we can take. I'll admit, the constant trips to the ER and over night stays in the hospital that took place and continue to take place since I was 14 gets to be annoying and frustrating. I really never thought ovarian cysts could lead to such pain everyday, especially when it was that time of the month. I had my biggest scare in 2011 though and I can honestly say I was at a loss for words. I was living with my grandparents, going to college, working 3 jobs, and I was homesick, away from my parents. This particular Walk-In visit to the doctors made me want my mom more than I have ever wanted her in my lifetime. I waited for about an hour hunched in pain waiting for my lab results and by the time I got them back it wasn't good at all. I was being wheeled out of the room and admitted to the hospital for a high white blood cell count. They ended up doing CT Scans and ultrasounds, and once again it was a cyst, only this time it ruptured and spread a to both ovaries. I had to stay overnight and didn't get released until 3 doctors came in with my stack of medical records. They made me schedule an appointment with an OB to talk about having my first surgery to just check and see if Endometriosis even existed. I consulted with a doctor, had a long talk with my grandparents and parents and the decision to have surgery was a go. One week later I went "under the knife." Sure enough they found it, and in April of 2011 I was diagnosed with Severe Endometriosis. The first two months were terrible because of the healing process, but eventually I was feeling a little better, but something didn't feel right and that's when I ended up in the ER again, this time it was because the surgery had apparently caused an umbilical hernia, so I had to go in and see another doctor for that. (Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the membrane which lines the abdominal cavity. The uterine cavity is lined with endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. Endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often worsen with the menstrual cycle. This can cause severe pelvic pain, infertility, chronic fatigue, and other symptoms as well.) Three weeks later I was back in the hospital getting ready for another surgery. I didn't realize having surgery for a specific condition could lead to another one for something completely different, but caused by the previous one. It was really eye opening. That surgery for the umbilical hernia happened in September of 2011. Again the healing process was really annoying, but still after that I was still in pain and eventually in January of 2012 I was scheduled for my third surgery and once again they found more Endometriosis. This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't stand it at all and my depression and my homesickness was getting out of hand too. The beginning of March, I moved back to Florida to be with my parents, however my pain was still there, and in late May early June I was going in for my fourth surgery. This time it was different because I had my mom and dad with me and they were able to see how bad it was. I was on bed rest from March to August and that included the surgery healing process. I was put on Lupron after my surgery. It was made to stop estrogen and stop periods, almost like menopause, except I was put on a hormone pill to help deal with the side effects. It was a shot every month for 6 months. I was almost certain that this surgery worked. However 4 months later I had the most intense pain, it beat all of the pain that I had every experienced. I again made appointments with my doctor and we said with the amount of surgeries I have had in almost 2 years, that it was time to really look at my only other option. When I heard him say, "Hysterectomy", I was devastated. He let me go home to think about it for a week and and talk it over with my family. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to do this anymore and I didn't want the pain to be there as constant as it had been, but when I made the decision to have it done and meet with my doctor I brought up the idea of keeping my left ovary and tube, and he said I was able to do that. This gave me a little more hope especially because that meant no hormone therapy, and that I would still be able to produce my own eggs to one day have kids of my own. On December 14th 2012, I had my partial Hysterectomy, not only did they find more Endometriosis, but they found it on a nerve so it was more difficult to burn off, and the chance of it growing back and spreading was more likely. This was the most painful surgery I have every had and the most emotional one as well. It has helped for the most part, but I'm still feeling discomfort and pain. I guess I try to deny it at times because I'm ashamed. Living with this disease and chronic pain disorder has been so overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. My anxiety and depression have been up and down because of it and relationships with some people who were so close have been torn apart because when I have been in these situations I shut a lot of people out. I guess that's what happens when you're in pain though. You shut people out and become selfish because you want answers and you just want to be healed for good. I hope one day they find a cure for this because I know I don't deserve this, and I know women who suffer from this don't deserve to go through this. I've met a lot of amazing people through support groups, and as crazy as it will sound it's been from Twitter. I'm thankful for those women and I look up to them Everyday. Music has helped a lot, Especially the bands and artists who mean the most. Honestly through out the past 3 years I've had this, it's been nothing but Anberlin, Cassadee Pope, Paramore, Cady Groves, Hey Monday, Circa Survive, Anthony Green, and Explosions In The Sky. Those were the bands and artists that literally PULLED me out of the dark place I could've ended up in. It sounds cliche, but when your life is revolved around a chronic illness where you can't even get out of bed even to say good morning or good night to your own family, that's when the music, lyrics, and melody's help you cope. I owe those bands and artists a huge thanks to not letting me drift. They have all been singing me through the rough times, literally. Living with this has taught me to let people be there for me. Especially my close family and friends. Without them I would've crumbled and I would've given up on the spot and wouldn't have put very much into consideration when it came to my own happiness. They have never judged me for the decisions I've made regarding my body and my surgeries. They have all been there to give me support, encouragement, guidance, and love and I don't know what I'd do without them. They were there no matter what, from making sure I had a smile on my face, to hearing laughter come from my mouth, even if it meant watch Ellen on TV or Duck Dynasty, they were there, and they were there for me especially when it came to the ER visits or over night stays in the hospital that came with the ER visits or surgery dates. I learned something out of all of this though. I've learned to keep my chin up because it can always be worse. It's so true even with a struggle or battle of my own. I may not be completely healed, but I'm finding ways to try and get to feeling better. I'm currently seeing a specialist for Endometriosis only and I'm glad I'm headed in the right direction. I won't give up and I can say with all of this that I don't just fight for me, I fight for others struggling with this disease. I will continue to spread awareness, because each day a woman is diagnosed and each day a woman is hurting and that's not okay with me.

Anberlin Has Truly Saved My Life. Thank You.

In October it will be 2 years since I've touched a pair of scissors and put it to my shoulder, it will be 2 years that I came to the realization that regardless, of having severe Endometriosis with surgery after surgery, having depression and anxiety, or problems from my certain "family members" not giving a damn, I can make it through. A lot had to do with music and writing. When I write I'm able to get it all out and say what I want and need to on paper or through blogging. Music played a HUGE role though; with bands and artist such as Paramore, Explosions In The Sky, Hey Monday, Cassadee Pope, Sleeping With Sirens, and Conditions. However one band has literally stuck with me since my high school years when my depression all started to take a heavy course. ANBERLIN, helped me get through it all. Every word, lyric, song, song title, melody, and beat, just everything composed by them got me and brought me a step closer to that goal of feeling healed, or realizing there was a better action to take to get me to a solid state of mind. I even made my mom listen to their music when our relationship started to get rocky and it actually helped us bond like a mother and daughter should. I'm so extremely grateful for what Anberlin has done for me. I would give anything to meet them in person and say thank you. Unfortunately I was always sick or in pain from my Endometriosis to actually go to a show, but I know one day I will get that chance to see them, hug them, and thank them for helping me out of that dark place. I can't believe I will be 2 years sober from cutting or even having a thought about it. So for now, I will thank them through my writing and my blogging. I don't know what I would've done without you, or without out any of those bands and artist I listed above. Anberlin, I hope you know how much you have inspired me and motivated me to do my best to stay positive everyday. Thank you for singing me through the rough times. I will love you forever and always, and I'll be standing in that crowd of fans one day singing every word to every song you play like I do at home everyday. "You Caught Me On The Way Down." That I know to be true.

Anberlin.

To be honest in 2010 when I was going through all of my health issues, including: my knee surgeries, trying to diagnose what was later to be endometriosis, and dealing with my depression and anxiety, I found an outlook. Writing helped me so much, but so did music. Especially Anberlin. I was 3000 miles away from my beautiful family, my health problems were getting out of control, and this made my depression and anxiety worse. Their music helped me out of a really dark place. I used to cut, and listening to more of their music helped apart me realize that I needed to stop. I would give anything to meet them or see them live. I just wish I could thank them for helping me and for them to continue to help me through my rough patches. I've never been so grateful for a band like I am for Anberlin. I hope they can see this one day and know they've helped save apart of me. "You caught me on the way down."

Making Some Sense.

We go on trying to make sense, of what doesn't make sense, and when we finally take a step back and look at it all, we get frustrated, angry, depressed, and confused. We aren't supposed to understand it all, but we are expected to learn from it. By saying all, I mean life; the life we got and the way we choose to live it. Happiness may be choice, but the obstacles and illusions we're faced with, those aren't what we choose to be apart of our life. Those obstacles and illusions aren't hand picked just so we can feel gloomy all of the time. Shit happens and sometimes those breakdowns we have are necessary to make leaps and bounds over the so called walls blocking us from getting us to where we need to be. One obstacle I'm learning to overcome and see from a better and clearer perspective is love, and who I'm choosing to love. In all honesty, the majority of the ones I love so much are thousands of miles away. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it still hurts to be so far away from them. On an emotional level loving those people is an amazing and a beautiful feeling, but physically it's draining the energy from my body because the missing has gotten so out of hand. This brings me to wants and needs. The wants and needs we have are like coins we throw in a fountain. Our wants are the coins we decide to throw into that fountain and wish upon, and our needs are the coins we leave behind in our pockets and save for later hoping we get a chance to make everything right. Either this will all make sense, or it won't at all. It's how we choose to perceive things, how we choose to feel, and act upon every single obstacle and illusion. So let me ask you this. Are you getting to choose the amount of control you have over YOUR actions, over YOUR LIFE, and over YOUR feelings? Think about it, but don't think too long because that will just be another situation that doesn't make sense.