When Death Strikes

When death strikes, it strikes hard, but it leaves us numb for a certain period of time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was mistaken. Time just makes our wounds tolerable. Isn't it all about time though? Death reminds us about what exactly we've been doing with our life, death reminds us that there is often not enough time, and death reminds us that we are rushing everything or that we're in a hurry to finish first. When death strikes, we are unaware and it's all unexpected. How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means saying goodbye? How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means never hearing the voice or seeing the face of the one who has impacted with a strong force? When death strikes, everything we ever had becomes nothing but a memory and we start thinking about the probability VS possibility situations. We start over exaggerating what could've been and we beat ourselves up for it. We start becoming hermits for a short term and everything we see, reminds us of what death took from us. When death strikes, we treat it as if it were a person and throw punches at the ones who are only trying to help. We start kicking and screaming because when we least expect the numbness to wear off, we feel the hard blow and we can barely speak. We start the grieving process all over again, but this time it's feels real. We start looking at it all, as a reality and not a dream. When death strikes, we start wishing we had amnesia and we start permanently forgetting. We don't even think twice about it, but for some reason we wish we could forget it, forget the person we loved and just pretend it never happened. We want to forget that their mere existence even existed. When death strikes, we lash out and start questioning "faith" and we start doubting that higher being that we call our God. We become completely ill with everything that involves the word God and the phrase "They're in a better place." Again it's something we say so we can forget that maybe they aren't even in "That better place", because for all we know, it doesn't exist. For all that we know, in the back of our minds, we know it doesn't exist. When death strikes, it strikes hard, and that numbness that we feel is only temporary. Death is an everyday thing, and unfortunately the hurt that we feel in our hearts lasts forever. It's just taking it day by day and letting time, take it's time.

SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES I get distant and SOMETIMES it's from the ones who mean the most to me, the ones who are right in front of me and close enough to reach out and touch. I don't mean to give that impression off, but I get scared SOMETIMES. I know I need to get better at not doing all of that, I know I need to get better at letting people all of the way in instead of fighting them off. However the truth is, when I love, I love. I mean I really love and I give it my all, I give everything I have in my power to make sure that the one I'm in love with and those that I love are happy and content. I don't treat the phrase "I Love You", as just something to say. I mean it, all of it, but SOMETIMES, I need to be reassured. Doesn't everybody? If you read this, I hope I'm making you proud, I hope I'm making you happy like you make me happy, I hope you love me the way that I love you. I know SOMETIMES it isn't easy and shit will happen, but that should never stop us from being there for each other or loving one another. I know SOMETIMES I can be difficult and emotional, but that's who I am, it's because I care. I know SOMETIMES I say sorry too much and I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because I just want to make sure you understand that I'm trying. SOMETIMES I let my thoughts and fears drive me so I can be prepared, but I don't want to do that anymore, I can't do that anymore. I know this won't be easy, but life isn't easy. I want to live and I want to feel alive, and I want to experience that without doubting myself and what I have. SOMETIMES I forget I have you, but I'm going to quit with the SOMETIMES, and realize I have you ALL OF THE TIME.

Controlling The Forgetting & Remembering.

To forget and remember aren't feelings, they're actions and they speak a hell of a lot louder than the words we preach. We forget in order to make excuses; excuses to let us hold on to what we need or want a little bit longer. Those times we "forget" and those excuses we make set us back severely. Face it, we can't ever get enough of it all because that means someones always going to be there to hold our hand a little bit longer, but then something strange happens; we suddenly remember what we're supposed to be doing for ourselves and we realize who we've hurt along the way. We make up some epic speech about how sorry we are and how much we love those that we started to drag down with us. We remember how shitty it made us look, but then we start it all over again because we're afraid of the guilt and what it does to our insides. We never like to admit when we're wrong, especially to the ones who care about us the most. We all have our own life, so why do we have to let somebody else dictate that? Why do we forget that we need to do things for ourselves? Why can't we remember the simple fact that it's okay to make mistakes, learn from them, admit when we're wrong, and move on? We never actually grow up because we're in a vicious cycle of not ever making up our own damn mind. Sometimes we forget to say I love you, or how much we appreciate one another for what they provide for us. When it comes to those things, it's not okay. It's not okay to forget to be appreciative and less selfish. It's not okay to forget that hurting someone isn't a feeling, it's a literal action we take because we know that when it really comes down to it all, that person was right all along and we didn't listen. We ALWAYS take the easy way out. We forget, we forget to remember why the hell we have feelings. We forget to remember that we have to live our own life, whether it be good or bad. We forget to remember that it's okay to have those close to us be there for us, but to not drag them down and use them constantly because they've learned the process of living an actual life. It's all about control, and when it comes down to it, to forget and remember; we have complete control over those actions, over our life. We have control over these two very aggressive and meaningful actions because it's apart of who we are, how we choose to live, and how we treat others. It's all in our hands and our hands only. Don't forget about control, and remember to live that control out.