My Letter To Anberlin Went A Little Something Like This.

This was my first tattoo, happened 4 years ago and it will always be my favorite and most meaningful tattoo. This band, this group of guys, these individuals, and human beings hold so much amazing and beautiful space in my heart. Words cannot describe how much they mean to me. They literally saved my life. I'm not sure if they got my letter, but here's a little background on why they are so important to me. In October of 2011 I was going through a really rough time, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was 3000 miles away from my parents and younger siblings, I had to drop my college classes because of how sick I was with my disease and the surgeries that went along with it, and my biological father made it clear he did not want me in his life anymore for the second time. October 16th 2011, that day will be comforting, yet haunting because of Anberlin and how quick my better judgment briefly crossed my mind. I drank to the point where I didn't know my words from my thoughts. All I could think about was how I didn't deserve to live and how much grief I was causing others. I was being selfish, cruel, and feeling way too sorry for myself. I blacked out and at 1:42-1:43 am, I saw the scissors next to me and I saw the blood that had gotten on the floor from the self inflicted wound I gave myself on my wrist. I honestly didn't want to get up, but I heard playing from my IPod dock, Dismantle Repair. The words were so clear, it was if they were all speaking to me: "Things are gonna change now, for the better." Like they were telling me to not give up and to get help. At that point I called for my roommate and the next thing I knew I was awake with IV's hooked into my veins with the sun barely peaking through the hospital window. If it weren't for those powerful words, that powerful song, that powerful band, and group of amazing beings, I wouldn't be here today. I've been sober for drinking and cutting for 2 years now and I've got Anberlin to thank for that. They continue to help me and the support and encouragement they give to me through advice, words, and music is beautiful. Music can pull you through so much, don't ever doubt that, and don't ever doubt yourself. I've grown a lot in the past few years and even if things are still tough, I'm in a right mind set and I'm proud of myself. Remember, "Things are gonna change now, for the better."

Living With Endometriosis: My Story.

Some things just shouldn't exist and some things that exist are a lot harder to cope with than we think we can take. I'll admit, the constant trips to the ER and over night stays in the hospital that took place and continue to take place since I was 14 gets to be annoying and frustrating. I really never thought ovarian cysts could lead to such pain everyday, especially when it was that time of the month. I had my biggest scare in 2011 though and I can honestly say I was at a loss for words. I was living with my grandparents, going to college, working 3 jobs, and I was homesick, away from my parents. This particular Walk-In visit to the doctors made me want my mom more than I have ever wanted her in my lifetime. I waited for about an hour hunched in pain waiting for my lab results and by the time I got them back it wasn't good at all. I was being wheeled out of the room and admitted to the hospital for a high white blood cell count. They ended up doing CT Scans and ultrasounds, and once again it was a cyst, only this time it ruptured and spread a to both ovaries. I had to stay overnight and didn't get released until 3 doctors came in with my stack of medical records. They made me schedule an appointment with an OB to talk about having my first surgery to just check and see if Endometriosis even existed. I consulted with a doctor, had a long talk with my grandparents and parents and the decision to have surgery was a go. One week later I went "under the knife." Sure enough they found it, and in April of 2011 I was diagnosed with Severe Endometriosis. The first two months were terrible because of the healing process, but eventually I was feeling a little better, but something didn't feel right and that's when I ended up in the ER again, this time it was because the surgery had apparently caused an umbilical hernia, so I had to go in and see another doctor for that. (Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the membrane which lines the abdominal cavity. The uterine cavity is lined with endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. Endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Symptoms often worsen with the menstrual cycle. This can cause severe pelvic pain, infertility, chronic fatigue, and other symptoms as well.) Three weeks later I was back in the hospital getting ready for another surgery. I didn't realize having surgery for a specific condition could lead to another one for something completely different, but caused by the previous one. It was really eye opening. That surgery for the umbilical hernia happened in September of 2011. Again the healing process was really annoying, but still after that I was still in pain and eventually in January of 2012 I was scheduled for my third surgery and once again they found more Endometriosis. This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't stand it at all and my depression and my homesickness was getting out of hand too. The beginning of March, I moved back to Florida to be with my parents, however my pain was still there, and in late May early June I was going in for my fourth surgery. This time it was different because I had my mom and dad with me and they were able to see how bad it was. I was on bed rest from March to August and that included the surgery healing process. I was put on Lupron after my surgery. It was made to stop estrogen and stop periods, almost like menopause, except I was put on a hormone pill to help deal with the side effects. It was a shot every month for 6 months. I was almost certain that this surgery worked. However 4 months later I had the most intense pain, it beat all of the pain that I had every experienced. I again made appointments with my doctor and we said with the amount of surgeries I have had in almost 2 years, that it was time to really look at my only other option. When I heard him say, "Hysterectomy", I was devastated. He let me go home to think about it for a week and and talk it over with my family. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to do this anymore and I didn't want the pain to be there as constant as it had been, but when I made the decision to have it done and meet with my doctor I brought up the idea of keeping my left ovary and tube, and he said I was able to do that. This gave me a little more hope especially because that meant no hormone therapy, and that I would still be able to produce my own eggs to one day have kids of my own. On December 14th 2012, I had my partial Hysterectomy, not only did they find more Endometriosis, but they found it on a nerve so it was more difficult to burn off, and the chance of it growing back and spreading was more likely. This was the most painful surgery I have every had and the most emotional one as well. It has helped for the most part, but I'm still feeling discomfort and pain. I guess I try to deny it at times because I'm ashamed. Living with this disease and chronic pain disorder has been so overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. My anxiety and depression have been up and down because of it and relationships with some people who were so close have been torn apart because when I have been in these situations I shut a lot of people out. I guess that's what happens when you're in pain though. You shut people out and become selfish because you want answers and you just want to be healed for good. I hope one day they find a cure for this because I know I don't deserve this, and I know women who suffer from this don't deserve to go through this. I've met a lot of amazing people through support groups, and as crazy as it will sound it's been from Twitter. I'm thankful for those women and I look up to them Everyday. Music has helped a lot, Especially the bands and artists who mean the most. Honestly through out the past 3 years I've had this, it's been nothing but Anberlin, Cassadee Pope, Paramore, Cady Groves, Hey Monday, Circa Survive, Anthony Green, and Explosions In The Sky. Those were the bands and artists that literally PULLED me out of the dark place I could've ended up in. It sounds cliche, but when your life is revolved around a chronic illness where you can't even get out of bed even to say good morning or good night to your own family, that's when the music, lyrics, and melody's help you cope. I owe those bands and artists a huge thanks to not letting me drift. They have all been singing me through the rough times, literally. Living with this has taught me to let people be there for me. Especially my close family and friends. Without them I would've crumbled and I would've given up on the spot and wouldn't have put very much into consideration when it came to my own happiness. They have never judged me for the decisions I've made regarding my body and my surgeries. They have all been there to give me support, encouragement, guidance, and love and I don't know what I'd do without them. They were there no matter what, from making sure I had a smile on my face, to hearing laughter come from my mouth, even if it meant watch Ellen on TV or Duck Dynasty, they were there, and they were there for me especially when it came to the ER visits or over night stays in the hospital that came with the ER visits or surgery dates. I learned something out of all of this though. I've learned to keep my chin up because it can always be worse. It's so true even with a struggle or battle of my own. I may not be completely healed, but I'm finding ways to try and get to feeling better. I'm currently seeing a specialist for Endometriosis only and I'm glad I'm headed in the right direction. I won't give up and I can say with all of this that I don't just fight for me, I fight for others struggling with this disease. I will continue to spread awareness, because each day a woman is diagnosed and each day a woman is hurting and that's not okay with me.

Anberlin Has Truly Saved My Life. Thank You.

In October it will be 2 years since I've touched a pair of scissors and put it to my shoulder, it will be 2 years that I came to the realization that regardless, of having severe Endometriosis with surgery after surgery, having depression and anxiety, or problems from my certain "family members" not giving a damn, I can make it through. A lot had to do with music and writing. When I write I'm able to get it all out and say what I want and need to on paper or through blogging. Music played a HUGE role though; with bands and artist such as Paramore, Explosions In The Sky, Hey Monday, Cassadee Pope, Sleeping With Sirens, and Conditions. However one band has literally stuck with me since my high school years when my depression all started to take a heavy course. ANBERLIN, helped me get through it all. Every word, lyric, song, song title, melody, and beat, just everything composed by them got me and brought me a step closer to that goal of feeling healed, or realizing there was a better action to take to get me to a solid state of mind. I even made my mom listen to their music when our relationship started to get rocky and it actually helped us bond like a mother and daughter should. I'm so extremely grateful for what Anberlin has done for me. I would give anything to meet them in person and say thank you. Unfortunately I was always sick or in pain from my Endometriosis to actually go to a show, but I know one day I will get that chance to see them, hug them, and thank them for helping me out of that dark place. I can't believe I will be 2 years sober from cutting or even having a thought about it. So for now, I will thank them through my writing and my blogging. I don't know what I would've done without you, or without out any of those bands and artist I listed above. Anberlin, I hope you know how much you have inspired me and motivated me to do my best to stay positive everyday. Thank you for singing me through the rough times. I will love you forever and always, and I'll be standing in that crowd of fans one day singing every word to every song you play like I do at home everyday. "You Caught Me On The Way Down." That I know to be true.

Anberlin.

To be honest in 2010 when I was going through all of my health issues, including: my knee surgeries, trying to diagnose what was later to be endometriosis, and dealing with my depression and anxiety, I found an outlook. Writing helped me so much, but so did music. Especially Anberlin. I was 3000 miles away from my beautiful family, my health problems were getting out of control, and this made my depression and anxiety worse. Their music helped me out of a really dark place. I used to cut, and listening to more of their music helped apart me realize that I needed to stop. I would give anything to meet them or see them live. I just wish I could thank them for helping me and for them to continue to help me through my rough patches. I've never been so grateful for a band like I am for Anberlin. I hope they can see this one day and know they've helped save apart of me. "You caught me on the way down."

Making Some Sense.

We go on trying to make sense, of what doesn't make sense, and when we finally take a step back and look at it all, we get frustrated, angry, depressed, and confused. We aren't supposed to understand it all, but we are expected to learn from it. By saying all, I mean life; the life we got and the way we choose to live it. Happiness may be choice, but the obstacles and illusions we're faced with, those aren't what we choose to be apart of our life. Those obstacles and illusions aren't hand picked just so we can feel gloomy all of the time. Shit happens and sometimes those breakdowns we have are necessary to make leaps and bounds over the so called walls blocking us from getting us to where we need to be. One obstacle I'm learning to overcome and see from a better and clearer perspective is love, and who I'm choosing to love. In all honesty, the majority of the ones I love so much are thousands of miles away. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it still hurts to be so far away from them. On an emotional level loving those people is an amazing and a beautiful feeling, but physically it's draining the energy from my body because the missing has gotten so out of hand. This brings me to wants and needs. The wants and needs we have are like coins we throw in a fountain. Our wants are the coins we decide to throw into that fountain and wish upon, and our needs are the coins we leave behind in our pockets and save for later hoping we get a chance to make everything right. Either this will all make sense, or it won't at all. It's how we choose to perceive things, how we choose to feel, and act upon every single obstacle and illusion. So let me ask you this. Are you getting to choose the amount of control you have over YOUR actions, over YOUR LIFE, and over YOUR feelings? Think about it, but don't think too long because that will just be another situation that doesn't make sense.

When Death Strikes

When death strikes, it strikes hard, but it leaves us numb for a certain period of time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was mistaken. Time just makes our wounds tolerable. Isn't it all about time though? Death reminds us about what exactly we've been doing with our life, death reminds us that there is often not enough time, and death reminds us that we are rushing everything or that we're in a hurry to finish first. When death strikes, we are unaware and it's all unexpected. How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means saying goodbye? How can we expect the unexpected when the unexpected means never hearing the voice or seeing the face of the one who has impacted with a strong force? When death strikes, everything we ever had becomes nothing but a memory and we start thinking about the probability VS possibility situations. We start over exaggerating what could've been and we beat ourselves up for it. We start becoming hermits for a short term and everything we see, reminds us of what death took from us. When death strikes, we treat it as if it were a person and throw punches at the ones who are only trying to help. We start kicking and screaming because when we least expect the numbness to wear off, we feel the hard blow and we can barely speak. We start the grieving process all over again, but this time it's feels real. We start looking at it all, as a reality and not a dream. When death strikes, we start wishing we had amnesia and we start permanently forgetting. We don't even think twice about it, but for some reason we wish we could forget it, forget the person we loved and just pretend it never happened. We want to forget that their mere existence even existed. When death strikes, we lash out and start questioning "faith" and we start doubting that higher being that we call our God. We become completely ill with everything that involves the word God and the phrase "They're in a better place." Again it's something we say so we can forget that maybe they aren't even in "That better place", because for all we know, it doesn't exist. For all that we know, in the back of our minds, we know it doesn't exist. When death strikes, it strikes hard, and that numbness that we feel is only temporary. Death is an everyday thing, and unfortunately the hurt that we feel in our hearts lasts forever. It's just taking it day by day and letting time, take it's time.

SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES I get distant and SOMETIMES it's from the ones who mean the most to me, the ones who are right in front of me and close enough to reach out and touch. I don't mean to give that impression off, but I get scared SOMETIMES. I know I need to get better at not doing all of that, I know I need to get better at letting people all of the way in instead of fighting them off. However the truth is, when I love, I love. I mean I really love and I give it my all, I give everything I have in my power to make sure that the one I'm in love with and those that I love are happy and content. I don't treat the phrase "I Love You", as just something to say. I mean it, all of it, but SOMETIMES, I need to be reassured. Doesn't everybody? If you read this, I hope I'm making you proud, I hope I'm making you happy like you make me happy, I hope you love me the way that I love you. I know SOMETIMES it isn't easy and shit will happen, but that should never stop us from being there for each other or loving one another. I know SOMETIMES I can be difficult and emotional, but that's who I am, it's because I care. I know SOMETIMES I say sorry too much and I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because I just want to make sure you understand that I'm trying. SOMETIMES I let my thoughts and fears drive me so I can be prepared, but I don't want to do that anymore, I can't do that anymore. I know this won't be easy, but life isn't easy. I want to live and I want to feel alive, and I want to experience that without doubting myself and what I have. SOMETIMES I forget I have you, but I'm going to quit with the SOMETIMES, and realize I have you ALL OF THE TIME.

Controlling The Forgetting & Remembering.

To forget and remember aren't feelings, they're actions and they speak a hell of a lot louder than the words we preach. We forget in order to make excuses; excuses to let us hold on to what we need or want a little bit longer. Those times we "forget" and those excuses we make set us back severely. Face it, we can't ever get enough of it all because that means someones always going to be there to hold our hand a little bit longer, but then something strange happens; we suddenly remember what we're supposed to be doing for ourselves and we realize who we've hurt along the way. We make up some epic speech about how sorry we are and how much we love those that we started to drag down with us. We remember how shitty it made us look, but then we start it all over again because we're afraid of the guilt and what it does to our insides. We never like to admit when we're wrong, especially to the ones who care about us the most. We all have our own life, so why do we have to let somebody else dictate that? Why do we forget that we need to do things for ourselves? Why can't we remember the simple fact that it's okay to make mistakes, learn from them, admit when we're wrong, and move on? We never actually grow up because we're in a vicious cycle of not ever making up our own damn mind. Sometimes we forget to say I love you, or how much we appreciate one another for what they provide for us. When it comes to those things, it's not okay. It's not okay to forget to be appreciative and less selfish. It's not okay to forget that hurting someone isn't a feeling, it's a literal action we take because we know that when it really comes down to it all, that person was right all along and we didn't listen. We ALWAYS take the easy way out. We forget, we forget to remember why the hell we have feelings. We forget to remember that we have to live our own life, whether it be good or bad. We forget to remember that it's okay to have those close to us be there for us, but to not drag them down and use them constantly because they've learned the process of living an actual life. It's all about control, and when it comes down to it, to forget and remember; we have complete control over those actions, over our life. We have control over these two very aggressive and meaningful actions because it's apart of who we are, how we choose to live, and how we treat others. It's all in our hands and our hands only. Don't forget about control, and remember to live that control out.

Unsure

Sometimes it all plays back and forth in my head. Like a silent film, but with everything already said. I'll never know why it happened the way it did and I'll never know why you didn't fight for me the way you were supposed to. It happened so long ago, but that left me with 13 years to over analyze questions that probably don't even make much sense. About a week ago I had the nerve to stand up for myself and put you in your place, but that didn't work. It back fired. Now you're further away from me without a care in the world. I look at it now, from the stand point of how it's impossible to have my own children. I could NEVER give up on a child, especially my own flesh and blood. I could NEVER stop loving them, NEVER stop thinking about how they are or what they are up to. I could NEVER start a new life without knowing if they are happy and healthy, physically and emotionally. What you did, what you said, and how you perceived things to be, it all hurt. You left and once you did, you should have stayed gone, long gone. To be honest I blamed myself for a long time, but finally I'm realizing it was all you. This entire time, it was you. I stood up to you, while you just left like the coward you are. The only problem, is that I don't know how to feel which makes my heart hurt. It puts that lump in my throat, the one where it makes it impossible to even muster out, an I'm okay. Funny thing is I know I have so many people on my side, but I feel alone. All I want to do lately is hide away and sort everything out so I can find that clarity and stop living my life so confused.

Shake.

Shake this off, all of it. Before it gets too tough, before it starts thickening and tightening around your neck. Shake it all off. How can you go on knowing what you did, knowing that you left? Nobody said you had to stay, but it would've been the right thing to do. I still can't shake this like you did; the hurt, the guilt, the lies. Did you even feel any of that with all of the fake smiles and laughs you gave out? Did you even feel that when you gave me false hope with the pathetic memories that I COULDN'T even remember? I thought this would get easier, I thought that I would've grown from this, but to be honest I feel so small, and I hurt everyday just because I know that I'm somehow replaced by others. Others that were once innocent without a care in the world like me, replaced by others that had no clue what abandonment was or is. You stayed for them and you fight for them, but why, just why the hell couldn't you fight for me? Why, just why couldn't you stick your guns in the air during that battle? Why, just why couldn't you just keep reloading? Why did you shake this all off? Why did you shake me away? I'll never know these things, but I found the key to my hurt. Too bad it's locked in and the key won't turn all of the way.

Who We Have & What We Give.

God created us to be loved and to love in return. There is nothing selfish about love, nothing conceited, nothing torturous about it. It drains us of everything we have, but in the best way possible, it brings the light back, and stops the heaviness that weighs our hearts down. Love isn’t a bet you can place, isn’t something you can just burry alive, it’s something you want to dig up, something you need so you don’t fall into that grave you will once know later on. Love is not a cold dead thing, it’s one cell that will continuously multiply. You try stopping that, you’re just stopping yourself. You push and you push that one person you really care for to get to the bottom of their hurt, for them to shake it off. Truth is, I’d be that punching bag, I’d take the beatings for you because you need to know that I’m not hanging by nothing, I’m hanging on to you. I hold on for dear life, even when it all gets blurry, even when I can’t focus and want to let go, I keep holding on to that one strand of you. If it was possible to sync your pain into my system, into my body, I’d make it happen. I’d suck the cells out of you that are eating you alive, I’d take them upon myself because somehow I have in my mindset that I deserve it all, and by all I mean the pain that circulates my body, that throbs into my head, and tugs on my heart. I'd love you even if we are miles apart. You keep me alive.

And Here We Go.

And here we go making fools out of one another, with the stories we told, with lies we spoke, with the feelings we felt, and with the cards we dealt. Why do we hold the those grudges, the ones that lead us deep into the dark parts of the woods, the ones that make us fear we're losing ourselves along with the heart that we hold dear in our hands. What are we so afraid of? What are we mastering? What are we exaggerating? Do we do this to each other because the makeups are more heartfelt than any conversation we've ever held or is it because we are to shocked in disbelief to actually fess up to our wrong doings? Every single one of your apologies is a needle wedged into my skin deeper and deeper, and eventually I become numb to them and forget what it means. And here we go making cowards out of one another, using each other for the wrong, fighting until the end, but loving only in the cold and lonely night. Why do we hurt each other the way that we do? Why do we force things upon one another when we are already so exhausted and overcome with fear? Is it because we want to face it head on and just get it over with or is it because we don't want to retrace our steps and take the time to fix that one small crime? And here we go fighting that fight, the one with endless possibilities, loving one another no matter what. Do we take what we can get or do we take what we deserve and forget the uncalled for fits of distress? I'll tell you one thing, this isn't a game, it's how you hold on and how you love that makes you tame.