Cassadee Pope, From The Bottom Of My Heart.... Thank You!

This is just how I feel personally about her, whether you disagree or not, well that's your problem. She truly does inspire me to do my best and before surgery she talked to me about it and the fact that she wants to help spread awareness on this disease I have and that many women are affected by means the world to me. She gets me, not just as a supporter, but as a friend. When it comes to winning The Voice she's already won, but I know for a fact she will win on Tuesday night. She deserves this more than anyone and I'm honestly getting teary eyed right now as I type this sucker out on my phone. She's graced us with her, presence, voice, lyrics, story, but most of all her support and encouragement she gives to others. She makes me strive to be to be a better person, she makes me strive to go after my dreams and set realistic goals that are achievable. Cass it's because of you that so many of us want to be a better person, it's because of you that we all want to go after our dreams. I know all of you cassettes believe this and get this too. Reblog this if you believe in our light in the dark, Cassadee Pope. Pope Gives Us Hope, and that will NEVER change. A personal thank you to her for helping me through my crap time and for the advice she gives. She never fails to amaze me. She's going so far in life and is doing such amazing things already, and I can't wait until they crown her winner on Tuesday, even though in my heart she's already won, not just The Voice, but she's won me over.

Quick update.

My Fight With Endometriosis. This Is A New Start.....

My Decision

Ready Brooke, take a deep breath. Now hold it, and let it out. You can do this. I've made the decision to get a full hystorectomey due to how bad my Endometriosis has gotten. Lupron worked for maybe 3 months out of the 6 months that I was on it, but living a life of pain is something I cannot do anymore, and no single person influenced my mind on having this done, I MADE THIS DECISION ON MY OWN, just to set it straight. As bittersweet as this is, it has to be done. My dreams of having a family one day can and will still happen. I may only be 21 going on 22 with having to do this, but you can't be happy unless you are healthy and I am ready to move on from this. I've shut down completely from the ones I love because of this, from myself especially. It's time to get on with my life and live like a normal girl in her early 20's does, even if that means taking this step. My depression, anxiety, and panic disorder has gotten out of control because of it and I'm ready to take back control, but I honestly owe it to my God, my savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, my beautiful, amazing, supportive, family and friends, and my Endosisters as well too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting me through this. I love each and every single one of you so much. Words can't even express how truly grateful I am to have you in my life supporting me, loving me, and encouraging me. I will continue to speak out about this and give my support to other women going through this, I'm going to be there for any women who have this or if any women think that they may have this. Just know one thing, You are not alone. There is always going to be support, and I'm on that train of it.

Raw In The Flesh

A pure heart is raw. It's beat around, thrown, picked at, torn at the seams, but carefully put back together slowly, but surely. Having a raw heart, makes you aware, it's not cooked and numb, for if that were the case we wouldn't be able to experience a true taste of feeling. A raw heart in the flesh is what keeps us alive, not an over processed examined piece of nothing.

Making A Pact To Love Everyone Involved In my Life.

Ever been too afraid to get close to someone, but it happens anyways? That's how I feel about a lot of people, and who would've thought they'd be in my life for the long run, but what about guys relationship with girls and girls relationship with guys? I mean going off of my experiences I get close to them as friends first and probably screw up somehow. It's like I've inhaled them and they are permanently embedded into my blood stream, like the effect they've had on me. That's so crucial because you can't ever get anywhere with anybody for that matter if they don't effect you or impact you in some sort of way. It's almost like whether it be good or bad, it needs to happen to make you aware of what you want, what you need, and from there you can strive even more for it, for that one person, striving for that one person you want to be, and striving to be with that one person you need. Our eyes are growing heavier and heavier because we keep searching in all of the wrong places, in all of the wrong hearts. We need to let love find us, because in the end it does, and deep down it feels right when it finds us rather than searching in all of the darkest pits. From here on out, I'm making a pact with my heart to love everyone who is or who ever has been involved in my life, as a family member, friend, lover, or inspiration. No matter who you are, you've had an effect on me and have impacted me to be aware of who I need to be. So with that said, thank you, and I LOVE YOU.

"There's Nothing You Can Do If You're Too Scared To Try."

I've been listening to Jealous Of The Moon by Nickel Creek on repeat for the past hour and it's amazing what a song can do to your entire body, mind, soul, and heart. My heart has goosebumps and I haven't had that since I listened to Your Hand In Mine by Explosions In The Sky. I need to base my life off of this song. I need to not be afraid anymore and do things for me, say things I feel instead of holding them in, even if they get me in trouble, at least it's not all bottled up and stuck ready to explode all at once. I will not give up this fight, not for me, and most certainly not for you. Is it weird that I have so many feelings for one person, like I overly care for them and I haven't had that in a while, and it's of the opposite sex? I truly care and love them and I just want what's best for them. Anyways, I was just thinking of Dax, my cousin who recently, about a month ago went off to join the air force, and I'm so proud of him for getting out of that small suffocating town that drowns you in constant drama and force of being involved. I miss my family there, but I don't miss the shit that went down there, it's funny how it can still follow you even when you are thousands of miles away. It effects you more when you aren't there to punch it all away. One thing people need to understand there is I DIDN'T RUN AWAY from my problems, I ran for help, and I got it. I got away from a town so bitter towards my situation and I'm over that. Just let me live my life and go live yours. That's one thing I've learned for sure while being here, live your life to the fullest, around the ones you love, but don't let others dictate the endless possibilities of where you can go, what you can do, and don't let shit and confusion do that to you either. I've also learned, to let others be there for you, let them help, let them love, let them care. Not so much as a sympathy card, but as an individual who has been there. I'll close this entry with this: Life can be both good and bad so embrace them both. They make you a stronger person no matter what and eventually with time, it's going to bring you where you need to be, where you want to be. You go where you believe and don't let others influence you and take you back to where you once were, move forward, have faith, love, breathe, adore, and make sure you do this for you, but let others be there for you along the way. Now hold your breath, make a wish, let it all out, scream at the top of your lungs. You're free, you're you, you've made it this far..... I've made it this far. Celebrate each day and do not be afraid, for you are loved, and the stars, they shine bright for you from high above.

In A Damn Heartbeat.

I want you, but I can't have you. I need you, but I feel like I'm not needed. All I want to do is be there for you, make you laugh when you're down, and be there when you need to talk. I tell you countless times and it probably gets damn right annoying, but I care so much for you that I don't care if I get hurt, I care if you get hurt. You make me laugh with the stupid things we say and talk about, with the stupid auto cucumber joke that we play every time one of is most likely about to cry. I don't know about you, but every time that card is played I break out into a smile. The fact that you remember things, that you care enough to remember and just be there for me means a lot already. I just wish you would see if you gave me even the slightest chance, I'd be there for you day in and day out. What you need to know even though you probably already know is that I give my WHOLE HEART, I strive to make the person I'm with happy, and if I can do that, then I've done my job, I'd make sure you had soup and tea and a warm bed if you're sick, I'd cook for you even though, I only know how to make certain things, but I'm getting better I promise, I'd clean and do your laundry, I'd make you little cards that say free back rub, or leave you little sticky notes all over the place that tell you how much you are love and adored. This all sounds cliche, but, I don't care about others reaction to this, all I care about is you and I want you to be my cliche. I don't care if I'm not treated right, I care more about if you're treated right, if you're happy or content. I actually give a damn about you and worry about if you're okay. I lose sleep wondering about how you are and kick myself for not saying goodnight. It's your turn to be happy, to be content. It's your turn to be with someone who gets it. As tacky as this sounds, I want to tell you so badly that we're done looking.... I feel like you and I, we fit. I'm debating on whether or not I'm going to tell you this, but one thing is for sure, I love you more than anything even if it is just as a friend and that's all you need, I'll be there. I promise, always. You can't get rid of me that easily. I'm done staying cold, with you, I feel like I don't need to, and you've taught me so much about my own heart that I wasn't completely aware of in the first place, so thank you for that. Your Hand In Mine, no matter what.

Slivers, Countless Slivers

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. I miss being wanted, needed, I miss being loved just because, or being that one reason that somebody has, that one reason that gives them light back into their life. I feel fallen, like half of my heart is there, but everything I do, I put my whole heart into, or I try to rise above and fly through it all, fly through the hard impact, but I'm doing it with one wing, because when you hurt that bad everything feels like half, you feel like half. Maybe I'm just half there when it comes to things, but in all honesty I'm fully aware, fully there, and if you'd just give me chance you'd see that too. I have a tattoo that says "You're Not Alone" and truth be hold I got those for those I love, to show that they are not alone, but how do I go about saying that I'm the one in the wrong because I feel alone. Even with my faith as much as I have, it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm searching, but for what? I'm so extremely scared that I will be alone, forever. I just want to share my love, my heart, my everything with that someone who deserves it. Maybe I haven't found my man in the moon, but just a sliver, and to be honest that sliver is deep and it hurts, that sliver is a belief, a belief you get when people say they love you and are going to be there for you, words mean something, but when people say them they say them in the moment, not for the long run. So the number of slivers I have I couldn't even count. Healing, is that too much to ask for? I find myself confused, lost, and insecure. The past was bad, really bad, but it impacted me to grow. What if I haven't grown though? What if I'm just walking in place instead of moving miles stones, or even moving in baby steps? We all wonder what it's like to love and we've all been there, whether it be right or wrong we've all been there. It's something we need and can't live without, so is that why we are so quick to rush instead of actually wait. I still don't know and I'm still trying to process what past relationships did do me. I can't express how much I look up to my mom right now. After what my biological father did do her. He hurt her, bad. I still see the hurt in her eyes even with her have founding that happiness, the hurt hides behind those beautiful, loving eyes. I watched her hurt so much, and the that process, I started hurting, I hurt because I couldn't fix her, I couldn't fix the situation, and I still question whether or not on the matter if I was the cause. That's a main reason that I'm afraid to love, because it hurts, love honestly hurts and it can be so unfair, and it can downright just suck, but going through that, isn't that's what's supposed to happen? So I ask myself all of the time, will these slivers surface, will they plucked out by that one true love, by that knight in shining armor, or will they begin to sink deeper and deeper, and grow into my heart, turning it into a slivered heart of stone? I hope I'm wrong about this, but nobody has ever given me a reason to believe in a saving love.

When I Hear That Word...

This is getting to me lately, so think about it the next time you decide to take it into a joking matter. When I hear that word I cringe, I become flustered, and hurt. When I hear people making fun of it I can't stand to be in the same room and I immediately just want to go shut down. RAPE, one thing that should NEVER, be made fun of. I don't care who you are it's not something to joke around about. It's real, it's cruel, it can make your confidence and self esteem go from high to low like that. People need to get a grip and stop it. It's harassment with words of something so foreign to people that they think it's okay, they think it's funny. It's not. It's degrading and immoral. To anyone that has been through this ordeal, I pray everyday that you find comfort and peace someday.

Racking My BRAIN.

Leave it to me to blog at 6 in the a.m. Between being half awake and the continuous strange, yet very real dreams, I'm determined to get to the bottom of this. Why is it that guys all say the same thing to me, I mean they all say the nicest things to me, but they never actually want to date me. I'm not broken, so does that mean I'm cursed? Was it the countless times I opened an umbrella in the house as a child? I mean seriously, I'm the odd ball out when it comes to my closest friends, they are either: married, married with child, have a child, or are in some sort of relationship. I mean what the hell? I give it my all, I really do. I fall for guys who never fall back, for ones that I can never have in full, who use me until I'm blue in the face. What really gets to me though, is not yet knowing who YOU ARE AS AN INDIVIDUAL. Don't you have to have some sense and figure out who you are to an extent, before you guess and assume and decide to date and figure someone else out? Doesn't that make the relationship successful? By the looks of it from my friends and my family's marriages they are working out great. Glad that this will just keep people wondering who this is about, who knows, maybe it will get him to think about it, yes I said him, get over it, I have feelings for someone. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Yeah I just went all sinister and laughed even though it stings a little. Just remember fella, I'll be there for you when you get screwed over, and it's then I hope you make your move, just maybe you will. Real eyes realize, so open your damn eyes and realize, because as of now your heart is going to crumble.

Say it, Mean it, Do It.

Why do we say things to people that we mean in the moments when we're face to face or voice to voice, but we never really follow through with it all? I feel like I burden people with having to be there for me. I don't expect that at all, for one thing broken promises actually do hurt, and you definitely can't bull shit a bull shitter. Just not going to happen, I've been young and naive once, but what is fascinating, is I'm getting the run around from grown men. I'm not stupid, so don't be a coward and just tell me how you truly feel, I have the guts to take it. I know I'm screwed up, I know I have issues, and things to work on, but I also have goals, I have a heart, and when I put my trust in you, you're damn lucky. I PROMISE to the ones that I love, to the ones that are my friends, and to the ones I care about, I WILL be there no matter what, when you get screwed over: I'll be there. When you need a shoulder to cry on, even if I'm miles and miles away: I'll be there. When you have a broken heart: I'll certainly be there, and I'll be there to help with the mending process. When I do something, or when I say something I mean it, I put my WHOLE heart on the line and into the things I do, so don't EVER take it for granted. I don't Appreciate being lied to, sneaking around just because you don't see me every damn day, twisting my words around, and I most definitely don't like getting my heart tossed around like it's my stomach turning in knots. The gut wrenching feeling that happens in the heart, that's the worst feeling ever. No single person deserves it. An honest heart is a loveable heart, it makes us grow fonder of one another. Love and a beating heart are always at stake when it comes to anything. Get it? Accept it. Say it. Mean it. Do it. Now go for it, put it all on the table and mean what you say, and be there.

Mighty No More.

The king and the queen they are caught in the rain, running from the devils cursed echoing. Now they know the meaning of what true scars are, when they made a pact that involved there lovely daughter. Hoping on what's not in front of them, hazy has become of them and their wisdom. Oh, eyes set on what only the flames cannot burn, what's the point of love when it does nothing but torture? How is your heart, so settled but apart, from the one who lost, from the one who is in knots and in the tight grip of the villains dark. So make a wish, for the one you once loved is the one you now miss a misfortune from the misguidance you've given out, it's never been noble and you have never made me proud. As your daughter looks down from the sky above, she's brighter than the stars and now she knows that she's loved from the ones who shine around her up there, not from the ones who gave up on her down there. Every decision you will make involves your faith, and weighs heavy on your heart, more than the golden crown that you wear around your head that you consider will never be lost until the day of your death. For blood is not as thick as you would like it to stick, when you give up looking for the one that you loved, in the eyes of God you are no longer dubbed the glorious one.

Letting Go.

Secluded room & secluded mind, I wonder where in the world is our time. I can't process my thoughts straight, they are washed out like the sand in the sea & a hurt heart that just can't be. Don't think you're to blame because i'm sorry everyday for what I've put you through, I'm sorry for the shame, but one thing you need to know before I let go of this rope; I love you too infinity & for us I'll never give up hope.

Out Of Control.

You only come by at night, because it's easier to lie, easier to let the flame go out and say goodbye. It's not worth the fight anymore, for i'm losing track of the score with my heart relapsing on the floor; something you've never realized before. Get it straight, get it right, sometimes I wish you were just out of my sight. No tagging along for the ride, I'm getting sick and tired of your pride. You're tongue is stuck, but razor sharp, how can you even begin to move quietly in the dark? It's something you won't win, for your prayers are nothing but one big sin, you're out of control like dust in the wind.

Considering Feelings.

We sit in silence, but we cry inside. We master walking to fear, but we run from hope. We realize the wrong we've done, but we never come to terms. We say it's easy, but it's not what we believe. We say we're happy, but we're so lonely. We watch and observe, but we never learn. We lash out, but we love. How can an act from our heart lead to such great pain? Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes them tolerant.

I Thought Maybe, I Thought Wrong.

I thought maybe you could be the one that saves me from this mess and the monster that hides deep inside of me that makes it all too tragic for me to even get up and do the simple things. "New friend of mine" you already know so much about me and you reassure me that you're there, but when she comes around I know you'll disappear. Do I take it while it lasts, or do I burn this all and leave it to in the past? I don't want to get my hopes up, but you're perfect for me and you seem to help let certain things go. "New friend of mine" you don't know how you make me feel, and when I cry to you and I hear you listening, I start thinking that this could actually be real. You have her and yet I'm attached to you already, my heart however won't ever beat steady now that you've been in my life. "New friend of mine" for I want to call you mine, but this won't happen because the monster has swallowed me whole and has yet to spit me out. I want you to save me, I want you to be the one that does, but it won't happen when you're already in love. "New friend of mine" I'll see you soon and then after that you'll disappear at high noon.

God

God created us to be loved and to love in return. Along the way in life we are going to go through trials and fall, we are going to figure out what true heartbreak is and what trust actually means. We're going to be stabbed in the back, get caught up in other peoples lies, take upon loved ones pain and regret the bad choices we've made in life. We shouldn't dwell, but remember. In the end we do matter and the hurt doesn't and it's because of God's love holding us up. Faith, that's where it starts and I'm breathing and loving. Are you?

I Love You?

I love you are just words, you have to actually feel it when you say it, or it’s just another phrase used over and over again, it’s just black and white with no lively color in it, it’s just lip movement without sound. They’re just words without feeling.

Faking It.

These smiles I put on are all fake and forced for everyone, it's like I'm a fish in the sea and all I can do is blink at the shark who is going to eat me alive. The force hurts my heart and on the inside I feel ripped apart, but if anyone specific found out that I was "crazy" they'd disown me in an instant. Lately people who claim to be my friend are also claiming my feelings and trust, and without knowing it they can take me down when I least expect them to and it's an explosion that busts. Nothing is what it seems anymore, and the simple things in life seem to be the difficult things that I can barely do with fear by my side and the sea sickness from the ride. So ask yourself this, when you say you're going to be there for someone who really needs and cares for you, will you be, or will you just be another shark taking those feelings away? Trust is an issue and by all means pass the tissue, because deep down I put my trust and faith in you, and all you are doing is driving me away, driving me away deep into the sea. I refuse to be cold down there, and I refuse to be swallowed by that monster, so with careful caution I will become that monster that trusts nobody except the family I was born into, which is rare because they will never leave me, they won't try and capture me for attention or a battle that I don't stand a chance in. I wish the other fish in the sea could be my friends, I wish I could trust them with my scales and fins, but my mind says no, and just go with the flow. These smiles are fake and forced, I leave you wondering and assuming, that I don't mind, but please don't toy with my heart or what I have left of what keeps me going in this time. Don't make promises you can't keep, because if you break those, I will have to cut you off and throw you into the deep.

I'm the sea monster now, and I refuse to fall for bait from selfish beings.

You keep your disbelief so close to your mind so nobody thinks you’re crazy, because of how rare I am to find. You keep on keeping to yourself because that’s all you’ve ever known. Your whole life you’ve been lonely, but never alone. You close the ones out and push them far off the edge as if they are bait for me to catch, but do you remember I am the sea monster that hides deep and beneath in the dark seas so you can’t take advantage of your shot? I refuse to fall for bait from selfish beings. It’s not just you hunting me down; it’s a crowd of disgustingly pathetic clowns who don’t seem to have a life, but to pick on the unknown and the weak. I struggle not knowing who will leave my side, I have a fear that I’ll just be the one to hide, I have a weakness in my bones that doesn’t seem to leave and therefore I can’t seem to rise to the top. Why would I though, just for you to say you caught a great catch? I’m no fool and I’m smarter than you think, so quit trying to reel me in when you’re the one with the messed up fin. Even with my weakness, loneliness, and sadness, I am truly a beautiful mess that has a heart big enough to love anyone that needs it and that you will never be able to have, ever.

Knocked Down.

You blow me over like the wind and knock me down like a hurricane, how I have the strength to regain I will never know, but every time I go to rebuild myself with a better set of support you have the nerve to take a part of me down. I'm trying to rebuild what used to be beautiful and what used to be positive. I can't keep living with you in my body and mind, I can't keep getting knocked down whenever you feel like showing up. Anxiety and depression, you are killing me slowly without a question, but I'm going to defeat you soon and when I do, you'll be the weak ones and the only two who will lose. Everything is easier said than done, so for now I'll just try to keep my calm even if both of you are on my shoulders weighing me down like heavy boulders. I'll beat you one day, just wait and see, unlike you I'm trying to get my footing steady and my head stable and that is something you won't ever be able to stop me from doing. Love and faith keep me going and so is the support I have beneath me. I'll rise to the top and you can stay in the bitter cold as I watch you mold into sorry nothing's. I'm getting there, so please don't waste your time to tear me down and start to even remotely care.

We Are All Sinners At Some Point.

We are fools and cowards and we cover up our lies with a thick wave and a stronger tide, for God is the one who will judge us in the end; so we count our blessings, watch our backs, and hope for the best, because we're going to need an Amen for every single one of our sins.

Faith and love forever and always, God.

Faith, love, hope, forgiveness, and trust; it’s what we all want in life, all what we want to feel and what we want to achieve, not from others, but from God. Why should he have to prove anything to us when we already have that faith, love, hope, and trust? We should not be demanding for him to give us his forgiveness, but for us to give him our forgiveness and build trust with him. It may not happen overnight, and it may not happen when you want it to, but we take life for granted and blame him for so many things. Well guess what, he didn’t give up his son, he gave his son to us, and he died for our sins. Think about that. A true God, one who loves unconditionally, no matter what and is with us all of the time. There are so many religions out there and so many beliefs, but what I know to be true amongst all of us is faith, love and hope. It all means the same to us, and for those of us who believe, we put it in a higher power that deserves it, because he has made us whole, he has given us a heart and a soul, and we are made to do great things with those. We may not be perfect, but he made us to be indifferent; individuals who are not the same, but who can actually say they love from their heart and soul, the heart and soul he gave us to use for the better. I truly believe deep within my heart and soul that God put us on this earth to be loved and to love in return. Look at everything he has given us already. So much love and so much grace and faith, it only builds our hope more. He will love us no matter what. I say these things with strong belief that he is with us every step of the way, that he is with me every step of the way. I don’t care if I get frowned upon for writing this, because it’s how I feel. I may not show it all of the time and that is a true weakness of mine, but that won’t stop me from praying to my savior and loving him for what he has given me. I have a beautiful group of family and friends, but most importantly, I have him and his son gave himself for us. It’s truly beautiful and nobody can change my faith or belief. You bash on that, you’re bashing on me. Take this how you all want it, but I’m speaking from the heart.

A Thing Called Control

Reality is a nightmare, dreams are misleading, & love is tugging on my heart strings. I'm ready to wake up now, but I don't seem to be waking up. I'd rather bleed this hurt and heartache out then live with it just sitting there. It creeps into my bones & flows through my bloodstream. Everything I taste is bitter and the mistakes just sit there like the past, but they haven't been erased yet. I know I'll grow out of this, but I need to learn how to turn it all into the bliss that is needed at a time like this. I know that's it's taken me forever to get to this exact point, but isn't that what life is all about? Not rushing, but pushing through even if it takes forever? In the end we hear the pain is worth it, but worth what? What is the beauy hiding behind that misleading line? When do we find it and how do we fight it? Will it be worth every struggle, every ounce of sweat, and heavy breath? I guess it's a wait, and it's a wait we'll have to sit through even if that means death and judgment at heavens gate. We are the mold that we must hold and with that said it's what we're told. Moving on and letting go, it's something that is hard to do, but we do it to see what's at the end of the rope, what's at the end of what we hold onto. It's a hard fight and we put all of our might into it, and when the sound of giving in is so damn tempting we take a stand, because we've waited for that love that is down here on earth sent from the starry skies above. So make a wish.... Do you have it? Now let go, and take back your control.

Three Words, That's All It Take Sometimes.

Three; Three words is all it takes sometimes, without rhythm or rhyme, without a cent or a crime. Forget the hate, and push aside the pointless debate. If we could all just live off of three words, maybe we wouldn't be so lost, get so lost in the chaotic uprising this world has to offer, or in other words gives us. The cruelness in our bodies is from those who mislead us with trust and we forget those three words when they are a must. I won't ever understand why bad things happen to good people, but at some point in time we've dug deep into our hearts and we've scavenged up those three words to help us cope and that replaces that bitterness and gives us back hope. These three words don't need reasoning, or explaining, they don't ever devour us in a bad way, they help us to fight back and pray. These three words can MAKE the heart full, even when it feels distress, anger, and hurt. So hold your breath and make a wish...... Do you have it? Now don't look down, look up from here and believe in those three words. Remember to say those words everyday, because to the heart and soul, they are more. They aren't drastic, they aren't frowned upon, they are waiting to be heard and earned. Those Three words, I love you mean more to you than you will ever know. Give yourself credit and hear them, SAY THEM. Sometimes, all it takes is three words.

Accepting

I can't find that right light, and it's unfortunate because the darkness is too bright. I break and I bend, and I break a little more, how selfish I feel doesn't even begin to compare. I yelled at God and was furious with him, I just wanted answers and I suggested he fix them. It was bad on my part, and a breakdown that will always have that one frown. I can't shake this feeling of guilt, I can't sweep it under a rug, because it eventually comes back to me and tugs, it tugs so tightly at my heart, so dramatically at my soul, I feel like I'm spiraling downhill, when I should be getting up and moving on. It's harder than I expected, not just life, but the simple things we'd like to say we can handle even if our hearts are cut, with those words of a sharp knife. I find so many flaws in myself and I wonder why I am here to exist, but then I remember it's not a choice I have to be here, it's a blessing and better than a wish. I have the ones I love around me, even from a far, and this is a wake up call for me to accept my scars.