Comparison.

Comparing ourselves to the ones we once loved lovers, rattles are bones a little more often than we think. For some reason it's always and internal battle of "I wasn't good enough" or "Had things been this way." The point is we all fall back to this at point or another. I've done this on many occasions and thought I was in the wrong because I should just be over, but the truth is you never get over the ones you loved. You will always love them and they will have had someway impacted your life, good or bad. Hell, it was a learning experience right? It made us love ourselves a little more and we put on that war paint to go and refund who we really are. I'm thankful for the good, the bad, and the ugly, because it's a solid reminder that it's not going to hurt so much. The ones we once loved got away, but we never strayed. There's always 2 sides to a story and we'll always fight that ours was the right one, but so is theirs. Give it time, because eventually once you love yourself, that's when you fall in love for the first time and you're no longer the one we once loved, you're the one that's in love and that's permanent.

An Open Letter To "The One" Who Used To Give A Damn.

Dear Human, You used to go out of your way for me and we used to have that kind of love that made others want to throw up. You were so different from anyone else I'd ever been with and maybe that's because you knew what it was like to be alone and too independent to the point where it got you into trouble. It wasn't until you showed up that I didn't have to go through my 3 hour anxiety attacks alone; even when I wouldn't admit it and I'd tell you I was fine, you still sat there with me until I found my breath. You gave me purpose and you helped me remember what it was like to love someone again. We had our moments, but it was from fear. We went though rocky situations and our trust was on the back burner regardless of how much we loved each other. I soon realized that after I fought while you lay in a pool of selfishness. You were there when I went through the upmost difficult trials, but you pushed me away as soon as you went through any sort of turmoil or rough waters. You invaded your own ship and sunk it before I could even patch pieces of it up and you came to me after the damage was unrepairable. To watch you sink before my very eyes is a different form of loss, it's more painful than someone who gets a grave because in this case you're too lost to even find peace in the ground. This was all new to me and I was experiencing true heartache. You dragged love out and used it as a punchline and I stood there as a punching bag because I thought I could help if you took it out on me. I couldn't even catch my breath this time and I was sitting there saying I loved you back to someone who wasnt current in my life, but was just presenting themselves when necessary. You used to give a damn, and maybe that's because when we were together you stopped your old habits that you relied on so much. You used to rely on me and I used to be your human. Even as friends you continued to hurt me and I took it because I thought you'd change. You used to tell me that I needed to truly love myself, but you never really loved yourself. All of these self destructing ways inhabited your blood stream and you lost sight of yourself and the ones who love you, you lost sight of the love I had for you. You know those relationships where you try to save a person and it backfires so you knit pick everything you do? Well that was me in all of this. I kept thinking I was the reason for this self destruction that you endured, but when you kept doing it when I wasn't present in your life, I soon gathered evidence that it wasn't me. You were never accountable for you actions and I truly believe I was the only solid person in your life who didn't feed you bullshit. I gave it to you straight and you didn't like that. You made me out to be this monster, but that was you. All of the fear you ever had about love ate you alive. I could say that I hate you, but I don't. I'm sad for you and I get it, but I don't hate you. You put that upon youself and now you need to save the rest of who are because you don't even give a damn about your own internal personal growth. You have so much potential, but you keep throwing that away and you keep hiding the truth behind the little devil that sits perked up on your shoulder whispering "sweet advice" in your ear. And sure you take it because it's all you've got and you believe it. I used to give a damn, but now I don't. I'll always love you, but you're not my human anymore and I'm not yours. Please find a way to truly love yourself and please find a way to mean it. After all, we used to breathe together. Please give a damn, because I still do. -B

Loving The Anxious Ones

Loving and understanding a person with anxiety and depression can be a hard thing to do. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it because often times those human beings who suffer, have the most beautiful hearts. They take time and patience, they take reassuring, and they need to be listened to. Sometimes they just need a good laugh or they just need to be held, and other times they just need a comfortable silence with the one that cares so deeply about them. It never goes away; it hides out sometimes, but it never goes away. It’s painful, but tolerable by surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you just as much as you love and care for them. The circle never ends, but the cycle does. Loving and understanding a person with anxiety and depression can be hard, but in the end you could be the reason why they wake up every morning and ultimately you could be their happiness.

We Turned Into I, But I'm Making It About You.

We are all grateful for the amazing human beings in our lives, but it’s until something tragic happens that we really come to appreciate those beautiful and kind hearted human beings that have stuck with us no matter what. We become angry and bitter with everything, but we don’t show it because we try to put on our brave face for others dealing with it all. We lash out in different ways; some unnecessary, some cruel, and sometimes we just numb it out. We are always picking up others, but we tend to forget about ourselves in such trying times. We NEED to let those who love us be there for us, we NEED to remember to not shut them out, no matter how distant we may get. It’s hard to overcome our pride when it comes to the actual amount of strength we try to show off, when deep down we are hurting. I've come to realize that when it comes to my feelings, I’m better at writing them out than I am speaking them, but it’s because I’m afraid of showing my raw emotion to those closest to me. It’s almost like I drown those out and make them out to be strangers because I’m afraid of showing them that I’m not as strong as I make myself out to be. I was originally writing this to prove a point that we need to let others be there in our desperate times of need, but maybe this is turning out to be more of a “Hey, I’m here for you too and you can put some of that fear of letting someone be there for you on me.” So much has happened in the brief 2 months that I've been here, and it’s only made me realize that people are going to come and go, but those who say I love you are generally there with you no matter what, they are there with you no matter what the circumstance may be; even if they have to be left alone for a bit, they are always there with you. We need to take things day by day, and we need to not rush and get ahead of ourselves. After all, we are amazing human beings too and nothing is ever too late.

Remembering Exactly What, Remembering Exactly When.

Minutes and hours pass as the days drift into weeks, and those weeks grow into months. In those exact moments we remember our exact feelings of fear, uncertainty, and we remember the harsh reality as if it were a vivid nightmare that we keep trying to wake up from, but there's no shaking it off with a deep breath; in fact, it takes more than a few to try and remember what it was like months ago, it takes all we have to remember what it was like years ago. We have to carefully remember the not so troubled times because we feel our hearts breaking under the pressure of not knowing. So what do we do? We continue to look for the spark, even if it has dimmed out. We keep it going with our exact faith, and we keep it going with our fragile, but strong hearts. We long for what we had before things fell apart, but all we can do is hang tight. Certain words, smells, sounds, sights, hell even certain physical contact can bring us back to the exact moments that were once minutes, that were once hours and days, and now they've just turned into months, slow creeping months. We will always remember that exact pain that we felt when our hearts started to drop and beat once less beat. The stress, the anxiety, that damn itch we can't seem to find and scratch; it's always going to be there under our skin and embedded into our bloodstream. Even if it goes away for a while, it finds it's way back and we will never understand why and we will never be able to get over it completely. However we can treat it and put it on the mend with some sort of medicine. In this case, we surround ourselves with the ones we love and we try and try and try to keep our chins up, even if our eyes tend to look down. We remember exact moments and we remember exact feelings, but we forget to breathe when things bring us back and bring us down. To keep breathing and to keep loving, that's exactly what we need to remember to do.

Conniving Acceptance

Are we fighting with each other or are we fighting to let go of something so negatively strong in our hearts? It can’t be that hard to let go of every fear and insecurity that is stopping us from truly recognizing our potential. Why are we so afraid to let somebody all of the way into our lives? We should be absorbing everything that one person who changes us, has to offer. Whether it be in small or large amounts, we are still learning to let go, and hold on to what’s right in front of us, to hold on to who’s right in front of us. We’ve become very good at saying that we’ve learned from past mistakes; however, we gradually keep making them over and over again without even realizing it until it’s already too late. We get stuck in a predicament that we can’t get out of and we start relying on others to get us unstuck, instead of forcefully using our minds to be more independent in our own comfortable state of mind. When will this cycle of an ongoing war between our hearts and minds stop? Can’t we just let things be? Just let things happen and fall into place? Why do we keep tampering with the evidence that love really does exist somewhere throughout our cold bodies and fragile hearts? What are we running from? Who are we running from? We’ve made it this far, so why not make it further with someone we love, trust, and honor? We’re so good with words, but our actions lack a great deal of following through. We’re obviously doing something wrong, but why can’t we knit pick the serious problems instead of dissecting the love someone has to offer us? Can’t we just accept it for once, or do we push it all away and let fear drive our control out of our own grip? When does this vicious cycle end? Why does something so pure have to rot? Time can be a real bitch, but in the end that’s all we end up having. We have so much time, but we run out so fast and unexpectedly. So ask yourself this at the end of the day; why are you running and what’s stopping you from accepting it all?

Weak Hands Hold A Strong Heart.

We're constantly trying to hold ourselves together with our own hands that are trying not to break under the severe pressure we are faced with with everyday. Wishing we could look away, we try not to grow bitter for our own hearts sake, for the sake that it too, might decay. We keep over analyzing what and where we went wrong, and we start mapping out the guilt trips in our minds as the blame we think we deserve paralyzes us at our spine. We're left with a weak backbone and everything around us seems so monotone. How can one situation lead us to misfortune and doubt in our own capability to love again? It doesn't have to be that way, especially if we go on knowing that we fought hard for the actual sake of our hearts. I fought hard and that's the rewarding part that comes along with the hurt, because even though the flame went out, I was never burnt when it struggled to stay afloat.