We Turned Into I, But I'm Making It About You.

We are all grateful for the amazing human beings in our lives, but it’s until something tragic happens that we really come to appreciate those beautiful and kind hearted human beings that have stuck with us no matter what. We become angry and bitter with everything, but we don’t show it because we try to put on our brave face for others dealing with it all. We lash out in different ways; some unnecessary, some cruel, and sometimes we just numb it out. We are always picking up others, but we tend to forget about ourselves in such trying times. We NEED to let those who love us be there for us, we NEED to remember to not shut them out, no matter how distant we may get. It’s hard to overcome our pride when it comes to the actual amount of strength we try to show off, when deep down we are hurting. I've come to realize that when it comes to my feelings, I’m better at writing them out than I am speaking them, but it’s because I’m afraid of showing my raw emotion to those closest to me. It’s almost like I drown those out and make them out to be strangers because I’m afraid of showing them that I’m not as strong as I make myself out to be. I was originally writing this to prove a point that we need to let others be there in our desperate times of need, but maybe this is turning out to be more of a “Hey, I’m here for you too and you can put some of that fear of letting someone be there for you on me.” So much has happened in the brief 2 months that I've been here, and it’s only made me realize that people are going to come and go, but those who say I love you are generally there with you no matter what, they are there with you no matter what the circumstance may be; even if they have to be left alone for a bit, they are always there with you. We need to take things day by day, and we need to not rush and get ahead of ourselves. After all, we are amazing human beings too and nothing is ever too late.

Remembering Exactly What, Remembering Exactly When.

Minutes and hours pass as the days drift into weeks, and those weeks grow into months. In those exact moments we remember our exact feelings of fear, uncertainty, and we remember the harsh reality as if it were a vivid nightmare that we keep trying to wake up from, but there's no shaking it off with a deep breath; in fact, it takes more than a few to try and remember what it was like months ago, it takes all we have to remember what it was like years ago. We have to carefully remember the not so troubled times because we feel our hearts breaking under the pressure of not knowing. So what do we do? We continue to look for the spark, even if it has dimmed out. We keep it going with our exact faith, and we keep it going with our fragile, but strong hearts. We long for what we had before things fell apart, but all we can do is hang tight. Certain words, smells, sounds, sights, hell even certain physical contact can bring us back to the exact moments that were once minutes, that were once hours and days, and now they've just turned into months, slow creeping months. We will always remember that exact pain that we felt when our hearts started to drop and beat once less beat. The stress, the anxiety, that damn itch we can't seem to find and scratch; it's always going to be there under our skin and embedded into our bloodstream. Even if it goes away for a while, it finds it's way back and we will never understand why and we will never be able to get over it completely. However we can treat it and put it on the mend with some sort of medicine. In this case, we surround ourselves with the ones we love and we try and try and try to keep our chins up, even if our eyes tend to look down. We remember exact moments and we remember exact feelings, but we forget to breathe when things bring us back and bring us down. To keep breathing and to keep loving, that's exactly what we need to remember to do.

Conniving Acceptance

Are we fighting with each other or are we fighting to let go of something so negatively strong in our hearts? It can’t be that hard to let go of every fear and insecurity that is stopping us from truly recognizing our potential. Why are we so afraid to let somebody all of the way into our lives? We should be absorbing everything that one person who changes us, has to offer. Whether it be in small or large amounts, we are still learning to let go, and hold on to what’s right in front of us, to hold on to who’s right in front of us. We’ve become very good at saying that we’ve learned from past mistakes; however, we gradually keep making them over and over again without even realizing it until it’s already too late. We get stuck in a predicament that we can’t get out of and we start relying on others to get us unstuck, instead of forcefully using our minds to be more independent in our own comfortable state of mind. When will this cycle of an ongoing war between our hearts and minds stop? Can’t we just let things be? Just let things happen and fall into place? Why do we keep tampering with the evidence that love really does exist somewhere throughout our cold bodies and fragile hearts? What are we running from? Who are we running from? We’ve made it this far, so why not make it further with someone we love, trust, and honor? We’re so good with words, but our actions lack a great deal of following through. We’re obviously doing something wrong, but why can’t we knit pick the serious problems instead of dissecting the love someone has to offer us? Can’t we just accept it for once, or do we push it all away and let fear drive our control out of our own grip? When does this vicious cycle end? Why does something so pure have to rot? Time can be a real bitch, but in the end that’s all we end up having. We have so much time, but we run out so fast and unexpectedly. So ask yourself this at the end of the day; why are you running and what’s stopping you from accepting it all?

Weak Hands Hold A Strong Heart.

We're constantly trying to hold ourselves together with our own hands that are trying not to break under the severe pressure we are faced with with everyday. Wishing we could look away, we try not to grow bitter for our own hearts sake, for the sake that it too, might decay. We keep over analyzing what and where we went wrong, and we start mapping out the guilt trips in our minds as the blame we think we deserve paralyzes us at our spine. We're left with a weak backbone and everything around us seems so monotone. How can one situation lead us to misfortune and doubt in our own capability to love again? It doesn't have to be that way, especially if we go on knowing that we fought hard for the actual sake of our hearts. I fought hard and that's the rewarding part that comes along with the hurt, because even though the flame went out, I was never burnt when it struggled to stay afloat.

Keep Counting The Bright Ones.

We keep counting the stars just to lose count, just like we keep depending on each other to lose each other. This is all so new and different, but even though I'm scared because of it, the idea and exploration of it all, is actually comforting. We don't wait forever to find the ones we love and we don't wait forever for the ones we love to catch up. In fact, we simply move forward so the waiting isn't time consuming, and we move forward so we can grow closer. Just like the distance between us and the stars, and losing track of where we are, we don't have to keep losing ourselves. We're not afraid of getting close to each other and we're not afraid of waiting, we're afraid of running out of time, and because of that, we grow impatient. Such a simple thing is turned into a mess in our heads. It scratches the surface of our true feelings and we start to say things we don't mean, we start getting distant from the ones who really do want to be in our lives. We can't just burn out like a shooting star, because there's millions of stars to replace that one in the sky, but there's only one of you on this planet, and nobody can replace an individual human being with a beating heart. Every nerve, cell, ounce of blood, every beat that our hearts pump out, it's all significant and not one person can replace that individual that we once thought we knew and loved. Why keep counting the stars when we just get lost in the beauty they have? It's not about the look or keeping score, it's about comfort and that backbone of support. We can't keep counting on each other for happiness and we can't keep getting distant because fear has taken control over us. Get lost in what's beautiful, not because of the exterior, but because of the interior. Stop being afraid to live out your life because of the fear that has control and stop counting on others to fill that pathetic excuse that you call a void in your heart. You can't jump from one person to the other because you're lonely, just like you can't skip stars because your eyes got tired. Be true and be real, and when you burn out, keep shining. Keep your spark going, because one day, I'll find my place again, and I'll find you in the dark, but this time, I'll be in control. I won't lose count, and I won't lose you. Never give up on anything or anyone just because it's not physically presented to us in the time that we expect it to be. Besides, the ones who are furthest away, are actually closer than you know. I'm closer than you know, and I'm closer to you than the stars are to your naked eye.

A thousand more

I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness and a thousand reasons to smile. I want to feel what you need and strive to give you what you want. Wonderful things can happen if you let them and the stars in the sky count that we are looking at something that's beautifully the same. We can't go on making ourselves unhappy, in fact we have to be selfish when it comes to our happiness and the people who get to share that with us. Moving on is not giving up, it's letting go, letting go of the hurt, but remembering the hurt that made us strong. I want to give you a thousand dosages of happiness, but I only want to give you one me.