Quick update.

My Fight With Endometriosis. This Is A New Start.....

My Decision

Ready Brooke, take a deep breath. Now hold it, and let it out. You can do this. I've made the decision to get a full hystorectomey due to how bad my Endometriosis has gotten. Lupron worked for maybe 3 months out of the 6 months that I was on it, but living a life of pain is something I cannot do anymore, and no single person influenced my mind on having this done, I MADE THIS DECISION ON MY OWN, just to set it straight. As bittersweet as this is, it has to be done. My dreams of having a family one day can and will still happen. I may only be 21 going on 22 with having to do this, but you can't be happy unless you are healthy and I am ready to move on from this. I've shut down completely from the ones I love because of this, from myself especially. It's time to get on with my life and live like a normal girl in her early 20's does, even if that means taking this step. My depression, anxiety, and panic disorder has gotten out of control because of it and I'm ready to take back control, but I honestly owe it to my God, my savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, my beautiful, amazing, supportive, family and friends, and my Endosisters as well too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting me through this. I love each and every single one of you so much. Words can't even express how truly grateful I am to have you in my life supporting me, loving me, and encouraging me. I will continue to speak out about this and give my support to other women going through this, I'm going to be there for any women who have this or if any women think that they may have this. Just know one thing, You are not alone. There is always going to be support, and I'm on that train of it.

Raw In The Flesh

A pure heart is raw. It's beat around, thrown, picked at, torn at the seams, but carefully put back together slowly, but surely. Having a raw heart, makes you aware, it's not cooked and numb, for if that were the case we wouldn't be able to experience a true taste of feeling. A raw heart in the flesh is what keeps us alive, not an over processed examined piece of nothing.

Making A Pact To Love Everyone Involved In my Life.

Ever been too afraid to get close to someone, but it happens anyways? That's how I feel about a lot of people, and who would've thought they'd be in my life for the long run, but what about guys relationship with girls and girls relationship with guys? I mean going off of my experiences I get close to them as friends first and probably screw up somehow. It's like I've inhaled them and they are permanently embedded into my blood stream, like the effect they've had on me. That's so crucial because you can't ever get anywhere with anybody for that matter if they don't effect you or impact you in some sort of way. It's almost like whether it be good or bad, it needs to happen to make you aware of what you want, what you need, and from there you can strive even more for it, for that one person, striving for that one person you want to be, and striving to be with that one person you need. Our eyes are growing heavier and heavier because we keep searching in all of the wrong places, in all of the wrong hearts. We need to let love find us, because in the end it does, and deep down it feels right when it finds us rather than searching in all of the darkest pits. From here on out, I'm making a pact with my heart to love everyone who is or who ever has been involved in my life, as a family member, friend, lover, or inspiration. No matter who you are, you've had an effect on me and have impacted me to be aware of who I need to be. So with that said, thank you, and I LOVE YOU.

"There's Nothing You Can Do If You're Too Scared To Try."

I've been listening to Jealous Of The Moon by Nickel Creek on repeat for the past hour and it's amazing what a song can do to your entire body, mind, soul, and heart. My heart has goosebumps and I haven't had that since I listened to Your Hand In Mine by Explosions In The Sky. I need to base my life off of this song. I need to not be afraid anymore and do things for me, say things I feel instead of holding them in, even if they get me in trouble, at least it's not all bottled up and stuck ready to explode all at once. I will not give up this fight, not for me, and most certainly not for you. Is it weird that I have so many feelings for one person, like I overly care for them and I haven't had that in a while, and it's of the opposite sex? I truly care and love them and I just want what's best for them. Anyways, I was just thinking of Dax, my cousin who recently, about a month ago went off to join the air force, and I'm so proud of him for getting out of that small suffocating town that drowns you in constant drama and force of being involved. I miss my family there, but I don't miss the shit that went down there, it's funny how it can still follow you even when you are thousands of miles away. It effects you more when you aren't there to punch it all away. One thing people need to understand there is I DIDN'T RUN AWAY from my problems, I ran for help, and I got it. I got away from a town so bitter towards my situation and I'm over that. Just let me live my life and go live yours. That's one thing I've learned for sure while being here, live your life to the fullest, around the ones you love, but don't let others dictate the endless possibilities of where you can go, what you can do, and don't let shit and confusion do that to you either. I've also learned, to let others be there for you, let them help, let them love, let them care. Not so much as a sympathy card, but as an individual who has been there. I'll close this entry with this: Life can be both good and bad so embrace them both. They make you a stronger person no matter what and eventually with time, it's going to bring you where you need to be, where you want to be. You go where you believe and don't let others influence you and take you back to where you once were, move forward, have faith, love, breathe, adore, and make sure you do this for you, but let others be there for you along the way. Now hold your breath, make a wish, let it all out, scream at the top of your lungs. You're free, you're you, you've made it this far..... I've made it this far. Celebrate each day and do not be afraid, for you are loved, and the stars, they shine bright for you from high above.